She Was Me

She drove with an awareness of speed and a mind carrying on two extensively involved conversations at the same time. There was no time for tears. There was no time for pause. Only go. Be swift and focused. She ran traffic lights and disregarded other late night travelers trusting their fate was covered in the same hands holding her.

“Hey Babe, can you hear me? We are almost there. Just hang on.”

“God, he is yours first and you know what is going on better than anyone else. Please help me get him to help. Please clear the road and keep other’s safe in my pathway.”

She pulled into the ER drop off slinging his limp body against the door. As she rounded the front of the car, the first lump entered her throat as one of his best friend’s ran to meet her.

“We are going to have to carry him inside. He is lucid and covered in vomit.”

“I’ve got him. Don’t worry.”

An observant nurse brought out a wheelchair seeing their train wreck, so she turned to run back to the car so she could perform the civic responsibility of at least putting her car in an actual parking spot.

“HEY! I’ve got the car. You come be with your husband.”

So she grabbed her purse and sprinted back to his side and escorted him straight back into admission. He was angry, irritable, irrational, and unaware of anyone or anything familiar including his bride.

Unlike times before, the nurse seemed to know they were in serious danger, so she allowed the wife the freedom to have access to both her arms. Instead, the nurse asked her the most important questions on the admission pages and left the rest to be assumed or filled out as the evening progressed. She rattled off the meds he had taken into his body that day, including the intravenous anti fungal she had just finished administering in their den.

He was sweating profusely and straining with every ounce of strength he had to get up out of the chair. The fight would stop long enough for his body to convulse and purge once more.

Immediately, they were surrounded by several large male nurses who greeted her with very calm faces. Their aggressive actions did not convey the same. She was too focused on soothing his agitated state to even be aware of when the first nurse ran for help.

Within seconds he was on an ER bed with a doctor already present. There were no less than 4 attendants present to help as he was becoming more and more restless and combative.

Then there was another body standing next to her. The next lump tried to climb up her throat. His other best friend had flown to the hospital to take over where the other friend had left off. His timing was impeccable as her ability to hold him down while they cut all of his clothes off was nearly impossible.

She continued to speak to him so he could hear a voice he knew.
She watched the thermometer reach 108.
She watched them tie him to the bed while his friend pinned him down.
She watched them cover him in ice.
She watched them rip the PICC line out of his arm and throw it in the trash. Third lump.
She watched him fade.
She prayed again.

“God, he was yours first. You have allowed me this time with him as a gift. If it be your will, take him, but PLEASE, don’t let him suffer.”

The second friend attempted to put an arm around her and she stepped away. Touch = tears. There is no time for that. There are still actions and decisions to make. She knew the doctor needed her to keep it together so she could make rational decisions.

“We are going to need to do an X-Ray and MRI to see if we can identify the cause of the fever. You will not be able to go with him due to your condition,” the doctor said.

She looked down at her burgeoning belly. Fourth lump.

They wheeled him away unconscious down the hall to the radiation area. A male nurse looked up at her with eyes that could not say, “it’s going to be ok.”

The doors closed and it was then she let that second friend envelop her like a bear. The fifth lump won. She quietly sobbed and he said nothing as there were no words to say because the truth was uncertain.

She was me.

Channel 1 - Columbine

Channel ONE News! Does anyone remember the beginnings of this great effort to connect America’s youth? I LOVED Channel ONE News and secretly wanted to go work for them when I graduated, but I didn’t dare tell anyone. I wanted to take the reality of what was going on in our world and expose it to my sheltered classmates who were living under the cloud of MTV Freedom was the true definition of liberation. An extreme rural institution with window unit air conditioners that didn’t always work and a trophy case with relics dating back to the 50s, we took a double take when they mounted in EACH classroom a 13” tube tv so that we could watch this rather modern approach to unification.

And boy did it unify us. Our school was everything modern schools would be aghast over. We had 7th graders in the same building as Seniors. We had lockers in bays where students could hide and do exactly what you think they would. We had a water tower in the back that provided shelter for the smokers during breaks. We had a gym with insulation peeling off that contained asbestos. We had coaches that married students. We had bullies that closed lockers just as you opened them. We had fights in both the boys and girls locker rooms. We had mean girls who wrote on your binder. We rode in the back up pick up trucks to baseball and softball practice because it was off campus. We ran track on the road, not a track, because we didn’t have one. Our mascot was a blue Beelzebub in the heart of the Bible Belt.

However, we had a unity that attracted people to our land and made others detest it in true rival fashion. Our unity was in 10 simple words.

“This is Blue Devil Country.
Love it or Leave it!”

When someone complained about things, we told them they were always free to go. Our unflinching leader would profess this statement to parents and students alike often. It would make us chuckle, especially when it was not us as the recipient of his bodacious speeches. His voice merited two reactions - fight or flight. When we heard it bellowing down the hall, we either ran to what or whom he was addressing for FOMO, OR, we ran from what or whom he was addressing knowing that he was on a tirade and we could easily be harmed in the wake of his warpath.

Mr. Trotter is epic and deserves another post, I daresay book, all to himself. So we revered him highly and waited on his lead for everything. When he allowed his Blue Devil Country to have a peak at the real world with Chanel ONE News, we all found ourselves flabbergasted. It was amazing and eerie all at the same time.

Who talked him into this? Is he going soft? Did some parent pay for all of this? How in the world is this happening?

But whether it was his intention or not, the allowance of our exposure for those short 5 minutes of national and global happenings in the morning were transformative. They awakened us to life outside our walls. They educated us to life outside our small town. They humbled us to life outside our borders. They united us in appreciation for our sheltered and privileged lives and especially for his protective spirit.

It transformed classrooms around our world as it attracted an audience, informed us of news, and encouraged us to think.

On April 21, 1999, Chanel ONE News came on in the classrooms across America with heart-wrenching horror that didn’t just unite one school in the Western United States. It united them all as the pain of the shock of Columbine was the cover story. As students sat next to their classmates listening to how quickly things transpired within the school day of these peers in Colorado, the depth of eternity was heavy. People glanced across the aisle from one another realizing that their classmate is fragile and their time with each other is but a moment. Remorse for unkind words and gestures flooded even the toughest of brutes. Sorrow for the broken who retreat due to fear and pain was felt. Respect surfaced and unity mended.

Though I was in college when this happened, I thought about how my classmates and I would have responded. There was no doubt, we would have congealed into a heap of tears and strength. As I was in the schools working with teachers to prepare for my final year and for student teaching, I saw the pain of piddly cliques cause lines of tension to fade. I saw the power of words be harnessed for good and no longer harm. As painful as this event was in history, I saw it change America in many ways. It gave people a renewed sense of purpose and a renewed sense of responsibility.

Chanel ONE News is simply a media outlet that utilizes the power of words to attract an audience, inform an onlooker, encourage a listener to make a decision to be better. Our words have that exact same power and are used the exact same way. Are you attracting an audience? When are you attracting attention? How are you informing them? Of what are you informing them? Who are you encouraging them to be? Where are you encouraging them to go? And most importantly, why?

Find your motive. If it isn’t to help you or someone else to become better, perhaps your motive is not for an audience at all.

Purpose - What

Every word we use has a purpose, from nouns to adverbs to interjections. A great story is told when the author recognizes word usage and placement. Each question word - who, what, where, when, why, how - has an actual intention, as well.

In the midst of the current pandemic, the question that is rising in every home now is not really the question why, although that is still highly applicable. It is another popular interrogative word used in our language - what? Questions like “Mom, what are we going to do today?” or deeper and more probing questions like “What does all of this mean…for me, for my family, for my country, for our world?”

The question word of what is used to acquire an answer with specificity. So when you use a particular question term, you are actually seeking a particular answer; therefore, it is posed with purpose.

Purpose is defined as the reason for which something is done or for which something exists. Purpose is also defined as one’s intentions. We want specific answers. We want to have clarity and direction. We need some type of assurance of our existence. We desire to have affirmation for our steps - for even rising each day. We ask “what?” In order to get a specific reason. Essentially, we need something to place hope in. We want peace.

So we look for answers, but sometimes our direction becomes focused on things promising hope and peace, yet are not capable of sustaining hope and peace. Bombarded by well-intentioned informants encouraging us to find purpose in the many hats we wear leaves us anxious, fearful, disappointed, and exhausted. There are 15, 21, 28, 30, and even 45 day fixes on reestablishing our purpose. All promise that once our footing over this particular element of our life is established, we will have success and joy in all other aspects. We will have hope and peace.

Once you have a better understanding of your role as a wife, you will become a better mom, a better friend, a better leader, and a better employee. Gosh, that makes so much sense. Why would that not be the way to understand my purpose. God clearly tells us that we are to seek to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ in Ephesians, so when I get that right, I get everything right. Right?

Once you have a 28 day challenge accomplished on how to treat your temple, then you will be the best wife, the best mom, the best friend, the best employee, the best sibling and all of the other hats. How could managing your health not be a great answer for pursuing purpose? You are only given one body, and one life to live, so why would this not be the best answer? Right?

Once you have finished the 30 day purging/cleaning challenge, you will have your home in order and will have more time to devote to all of those other great relationships you have been given. How could establishing order not be a way to better pave the way for purpose in your life? Don’t you see how happy Marie Kondo is and how peaceful her life appears to be? Right?

I was listening to a podcast the other day talking about all of the wonderful things we have access to thanks to the internet. We have access to all of these studies and videos and books and coaching sessions through so many different vehicles. We have access to friends from 30 years ago as well as our neighbor next door. We have our eyes open to injustice in nations on the other side of the globe and to needs right down the road. We have exposure to the haves and have nots of ourselves and still of others.

However, the awareness of our access to others was not the awakening part of the conversation. This podcast did not scold me for not doing more to restore lost friendships. It did not guilt me into making greater donations to rescue missions. It did not frown upon my desire for a new white t-shirt from Free People. In fact, the interview discussed something that was so heavy and so purposed and so different. It was the very absence of awareness was the enlightening topic.

The absence of an awareness of what we can do to better our roll as wife, mother, or employee might actually be beneficial. The absence of awareness of what the magnitude of injustice is in the world might actually be beneficial. The absence of awareness of what the events of our former circles are might actually be beneficial.

I love history for so many reasons. History is important so that we can learn how to be the best us. History is important as it shows us mistakes made by those who were journeying before us. History is important as it reveals to us where heroes emerged in difficult times because they were willing to do hard things. History is important for it gives us pause to realize that the luxuries we have today were not provided through ease and simplicity. History is important because we learn how we were designed, and how we function alone, and how we function together. History is possibly most important as it reveals boundaries.

Two hundred years ago, what we knew of the life of our school-aged friends was most likely because they were still our neighbors. However, if they were not - if they had married and moved away - than they were no longer in our circle and that was not a bad thing. It was just a thing thing. That chapter of our life had closed and we had entered into a new chapter and that was the answer to what. That was our purpose. Our heart was not consumed with working to try to restore that relationship. Our purpose was not defined by that lost friendship. Our focus was on pursuing the present.

Two hundred years ago what we knew of injustice was within our home, or our community, or maybe the neighboring community. That was all. We did not know of injustice in Asia, nor did we know of riots in the city over Napoleon’s death. However, we did know when there was a crop shortage in the neighboring town and that was the answer to what. That was our purpose. Our heart was not burdened by the overwhelming sadness of events in other places that we might not be able to assist. Our soul was not heavy by things we had no ability to be involved. Our focus was on pursuing the present.

Two hundred years ago we chose fashion based on functionality. Even in the cities, where people were able to view others and their fashion choices, the presentation of self was more concerned with what could be accomplished with the attire and not whether it made the cover of a publication. Achieving success over the tasks that were presented to us each day was the answer to what. That was our purpose. Our heart was not conflicted with what we didn’t have, but rather peaceful with what we did have. Our focus was on pursuing the present.

Then we introduced the telephone where we could be able to talk to people several cities away and learn of their struggles. Our heart was just asked to hold a little more than it was originally designed to hold. The answer to what became a little more cloudy.

Then we received radios in our homes and most of the early broadcasts were national and global news informing us of both achievements and tragedies that were occurring across the world. Our hearts were again asked to hold a little more than it was originally designed to hold. The answer to what became a little more cloudy.

The television gave us actual visuals of the great burdens of the world and also the things we did not know we needed. Our hearts were again asked to hold a little more than it was originally designed to hold. The answer to what became a little more cloudy.

And now the internet. Our souls are so burdened and heavy that many of us are battling unknown ailments due to anxiety, fatigue, and exhaustion. In our pursuit of present, we are not exactly clear on what our present is anymore and yet we have access to exorbitant resources to help redirect us in 5 clear steps.

Yet still, we were not designed to hold all of this information. We were not designed to be stretched so very extensively. We were not purposed for this vastness. So what is our purpose? How can you know when you have all of this information sitting so heavily on your sense of being. And so we begins the process of re-centering our circle, re-centering our purpose, re-centering our God.

And even still, how can I let go of enormous tragedies like sex trafficking and hunger and imprisonment and injustice? How can I let go of my families debt, my cousin’s cancer, my former classmates’ unemployment, my previous co-worker’s rebellious child? How can I let go of looking in the mirror and seeing the crow’s feet, three chins, and gray hair? How can I just let go of it all?

God does not wish for these things to go unnoticed, but he first wants us to recognize what our actual purpose is. Our purpose is to become more like Christ.

What is your purpose? To become more like Christ. Say it again. To become more like Christ. That’s it.

God cannot make me more like him if I don’t spend time with Him and sit and listen to Him. He cannot tell me what my purpose is and grant me insight into my life’s direction if I don’t allow Him to do so. Before I can allow my soul to be consumed with all of happenings of the other people in my life, I must allow my soul to be consumed with Him. It is then that He will then direct me and actually SPECIFICALLY guide me to exactly what I have room for in my soul. I cannot reach for the world without first reaching for Him. My efforts will become futile and I will become exhausted and worthless when I have these out of order. If I am to love God and love people as He has commanded, I must first love Him.

Friends, these injustices in our world cannot be ignored. Please do not hear me saying that at all. However, you cannot help if that is not your lane to run. You also cannot help if you are already spent because you have been seeking to answer “what is my purpose” with 15 other sources.

The specificity of your purpose is so clearly defined through God. Let us never forget that He created each one of us INDIVIDUALLY for a PURPOSE. Find yours, not others and then live it well and live it loud.

Purpose - Where

Where do we go when we are seeking to find the answer to our why? There are so many agents right now trying to answer that for us, trying to win our loyalty as they profess to have THE answer. Yet, they are all lacking in some form or fashion. The loyalty causes exhaustion and often results in burnout or wear or quite simply human failure. If the truth be told, I have been a seeker of where to my why, despite knowing the truth, for a large portion of my life.

Where do I go to find a quick fix for this lie that I just told? Simple. Make sure that everyone that is a part of the lie knows to protect me and proceed with life under the shadow. Yet, the where - everyone else to protect me - will eventually crumble. Those people will eventually fade in their loyalty. Those people will eventually slip and tell the truth. Those people will crumble under the burden of dishonesty that you have actually forced them to bear. So this where is not reliable. So where?

Where do I go for the relief from the debt I have incurred? I take out a loan and rob Peter to pay Paul. The debt is not gone. It is relocated and it is a shadow lurking in your life until it is gone. The banker/creditor/loan shark will never stop asking for their money. And you have just fueled their business. The where needs to something we look for before we make the decision to accrue the debt. That’s another question for another day. So where?

Where do I go for help with this weight that I just cannot shed? Pick your get skinny quick diet/workout/plan/scheme. If you take these vitamins, eat these limited foods, drink 90 gallons of water, exercise 3xs/day for 6 days a week, and sleep 10 hours/day, you will be healthy and beautiful. Yes, it is doable, but is it sustainable? Are you in a relationship with other humans? Do you work a job? It’s hard to do a lot of these life changes. The habits we have for quick lunches (i.e. Wendy’s 4for4) while we work feverishly to provide for our family’s needs (i.e. mortgage, insurance, piano lessons, travel ball) are nearly impossible to break. They lead us climbing into bed to only gain about 5 hours of sleep and then who has time to exercise or meal prep. So where?

Where do I go for advice on my conflict with a friend? To my other friend, of course. But not just any other friend, the one that will support my side of the story and encourage me to not back down from my emotions. The one that will help me devise a plan to have a conversation with an ultimatum. The one that will tell me all sorts of juicy gossip about the friend that I am mad at to help me feel better about myself. Hey wait a minute! If friend B will talk about friend A in such a way, shouldn’t I be worried about what friend B might be saying about me to others just as easily. So where?

The truth is the truth. As hard as it is for many of us to just be still and know, that is the truth. When life presents us with an enormous why in our life, it is important that we pause and listen and let Jesus love us where we are. It is important to reach to Him for comfort and for explanation before we seek out any other alternative. It is important that we recognize Him to be omnipotent. He knew the road we were walking down and the journey we were going to choose long before we arrived where we are now. He also knows how to lead, guide, and direct us so that we can find the best He has for us despite all of the trash and tragedy.

Where do we go when we are seeking to find the answer to our why? We go to the Word. It is full of promises of hope and grace and truth. It is full of stories of forgiveness that are not meant to be fairytales, but rather they are examples of the God who rescued and redeemed before is still on the throne now longing to rescue and redeem us as well.

Where did Abraham’s lie(s) get him concerning who his wife was? Genesis 12:12 & 20:2 both give account of Abraham trying to conceal who Sarah was. It went horribly wrong and caused great distress for all parties involved - Abraham, Sarah, and the leaders with whom Abraham lied to. But God! But God still worked in and through Abraham and kept the covenant and made him the Father of many nations. This is not to say that lying is excused. No friend! However, it is to open your eyes to the truth that the same God who redeemed Abraham will redeem you from the time when you have been dishonest and will bring restoration so that you can be a cleansed vessel for kingdom work.

Where did the servants go when given the challenge to do something with what they had been given? Jesus tells the parable in Luke 19 concerning a master and three employees. Each were given the explicit command to “put this money to work…until I return.” He did not tell them how? He did not tell them why? He just gave a very clear implication to make the money produce something. When we are given anything, we are asked to be a good steward of what we have been given. Not so that we can become rich and famous, but so that we can be blessed and bless others. The parable goes on to explain that upon returning, one servant was able to give account to have truly doubled what was given to him. The second was able to grow the money at 50%. The third did nothing with their allotment and was not only scolded, but he was also told to give his money to the one who had already earned the greatest inheritance. We need to recognize that nothing we have in life is truly ours. It is all God’s. All of it. How we steward it will be dependent upon how we are able to truly benefit. But God! If we seek God as to how to best invest, spend, save, allocate or blessings, He will guide us so that we will have future opportunities to bless others with what we have been given.

Where did Ruth go when she was a widowed outsider? Ruth could have gone to her people where she was known and accepted and would have been easily able to slide back into a life that was not ideal, but satisfactory. Instead, she told Naomi, “where you go, I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God will be my God.” She did not look in the mirror and seek out the quick fix. She clung to what she saw lived out in Naomi’s life and pursued that truth for herself. But God! By that step of faith, she became a part of the lineage of David, and therefore Jesus. Look in the mirror and seek to make changes that God tells you to make, not through comparison to other creations that he intended for their own unique purpose. Perhaps you are exactly as He designed and He needs you to quit looking in the mirror and to get busy stepping out in faith serving Him.

Where did Samuel go when he was hearing strange voices in the middle of the night? Samuel ran to his trusted advisor and mentor, Eli. Eli caught on at the third time and properly advised Samuel how to proceed the next time he heard this voice calling out to him in the dark of night. But God! But God persisted with Samuel and Eli knowing that Eli would eventually lead Samuel to His throne. Samuel sought the guidance from someone that he trusted would best lead him to a decision that would bless him and in turn bless others. Eli did not scold him or tell him he was crazy and just hearing things. Eli listened with the hands of God upon him and used proper discernment as to how to best lead Samuel. Now it took three times for Eli to catch on and make sense of it all, but the relationship was blessed by God and used by God for His glory.

Pick your predicament. There is an answer from the Lord as to how to proceed once you have encountered this situation. We may not always get the answer we desire. Our why may not be answered with the clarity that is acceptable to our standards, but as we better understand God’s standards and God’s design, our standards become more aligned and more attuned to the peace that is granted when we believe that life with Jesus is just better.

Our purpose is simple. We are to become more like Jesus every day. How else can we do that without looking at where He is described so very clearly, the Word.

Why?

Why do I have to go to sleep now? Why didn’t I get a turn? Why did the dog bite me? Why are you going to work? Why can’t I have a pony? Why is Uncle Jimmy so short? Why does PawPaw smell like sweet smoke? Why won’t you try my waffle covered in pickles and peanut butter?

Those questions we hear over and over and over and over again through the inquisitive and innocent little minds of our youngest friends. It can be exhausting seeking to try to answer them all. Sometimes we just surrender to blanketed answers like, “just because” or “because I’m a grown up” or “because God made them that way.” I will not deny that I have passed the explaining off to God many times when the truth is, He has placed me as the adult in a situation to be His voice. He has created all of us in His image and desires for us that are farther along to impart the wisdom we have gained on those walking behind us.

Yet, that causes a rise in patience. It invokes the act of listening. It forces us to pause and see others as Jesus sees us all - little children that He beckons to come unto Him.

As for the literal little ones, imagine all that they do not yet comprehend and all the types of deductive reasoning they have yet to accomplish. If we just stop and recognize they are decades behind us on true comprehension, it makes the answering of obvious questions so much easier. And just when we think we have the inquisitive stage behind us…

Why can’t Phoebe spend the night? Why do I have to go to school? Why do grades even matter? Why do you care what I wear? Why will his reputation affect mine? Why have you taken my phone? Why do we have to go to church? Why are you ruining my life?

The questions don’t stop. In fact, they get harder. They get more annoying; but, not really annoying, more challenging. Parents of teenagers will tell you that they find these years to be a challenge because they’re often faced with questions that truly just feel like should be answered with a stern, “because I said so!” Yet, the challenge is not to our authority. No, don’t tell yourself that lie, although all parents do. We think they are challenging our control. We think they are questioning our rules. They are initiating rebellion!

Nope! They are not. I’m sorry to break it to you, but I think deep down you knew it. They are still the innocent little girl you were parenting 10 years earlier desperately wanting someone to explain to them why the sun is yellow and why it rises some days and does not appear to do so on other days and how that is going to affect her life. Her questions are valid. She needs a trustworthy answer.

She still needs you to engage in the battle with patience. She still needs you to sit and listen, TRULY listen. She still needs you to pause and see her as Jesus sees her.

Unfortunately, the actual problem is not the question, but rather the timing. It can/will come after we have failed to explain the progression of our lives at the same rate of change they are encountering. My girls still talk with me pretty openly, and that is by the grace of God. Yet, there are many times that I am faced with situations that rise up which expose life lessons I have not invested the time or patience to truly invest. As a result, there rises a need for careful and cautious redirecting as I explain how I missed that blaring moment of discovery. For example, we had to explain to one child the other day about the cautions of what is posted on social media.

I hear you all saying, well, duh. Seriously, though. We thought we had covered this topic, but really we had just assumed “our” common sense was absorbed by osmosis. Her common sense is present, but because she has not been exposed to as much pain, dejection, ridicule, and crime as we have, her actions were innocent. She did not intend to cause any harmful repercussions from her actions, but we live in a fallen world, so there’s that. We spent some time redirecting her thinking so that the next time she was faced with a decision of similar nature, she was better equipped as to how to proceed.

Now be mindful of this truth, their progression of life and rate of change is at a speed that we have allowed, so when the speed is faster than we are comfortable with, we feel anxious and easily irritated, and quite frankly, scared. We have tons of life lessons that need to be taught happening all at the same time and our need to pause and listen just became overwhelming. Don’t give up! They need answers. They need direction. They need you to point them to where to find the answers when you are no longer available. Like…

Why did I not get the job? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why do I only feel relaxed after a few drinks? Why does my friendship feel so surface level? Why can’t I sleep? Why do I have all this debt? Why can’t we have the life we deserve?

Now there is nobody to ask these questions toward. Many of us still ask why, but there is not a mom to yell at anymore and our spouse is no longer our soulmate we confide in and our friends only want to talk about the town and not their hearts and who can afford a therapist. But still. But still that little girl who wants to know why the sun is yellow and why it rises some days and does not appear to do so on other days…that little girl still lives inside our soul and will never stop asking why.

So who do we ask? Who has the answer? Who knows our purpose and the reason for our time? Who will engage in the battle of patience over us? Who will listen, TRULY listen? Who will pause and see us as Jesus sees us - even farther, who will help us look in the mirror and see Jesus as Jesus sees us? You know the answer, but sometimes we need to ask the question so that we can audibly hear someone give us affirmation. We need to ask because we also want to know if anybody is listening? We may not say all of the questions out loud, but our heart is constantly asking. My heart is constantly seeking and I am thankful that my God is constantly pausing, listening and letting me see, ready to respond with enough to sustain me but not to scare me.

In 2005, Casting Crowns released the the song “Does Anybody Hear Her” and that song truly wrecked me. My brokenness was not necessarily about my broken life, although my life is not remotely an example of unmarred clay. The brokenness was for the women who I come in contact daily in all of life’s circles whom are living representations of this girl. Remember the song? Here are some of the lyrics to jog your memory or awaken your soul.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

You see, the girls who are preteens embarking on some of the most horrendous years of their lives are asking questions - questions that beg to be answered before another misadventure.

The teenager who has already made bad choices and is wondering if there is no turning back is asking questions - questions that beg to be answered before she is three more steps behind.

The college student who is feeling alone in the middle of a giant sorority full of “sisters” is asking questions - “Does anybody hear me?”

The young professional who is successfully climbing the ladder with poise and accuracy is asking questions - “Can anybody see?”

The single mom of three who is desiring to have a man who will take care of her and her precious babies is asking questions - with all the lost and lonely people.

The middle age mom who is wondering if she is going to ever feel pretty again is asking questions - searching for the hope.

The stay-at-home mom with an empty nest is asking questions - “Is the canyon widening?

The retirement ready woman who wants to travel the world is asking questions - “How long have I been running?”

The grandmother raising her grandson is asking questions - “Does anybody hear me?”

The great-grandmother with Alzheimer’s is asking questions - “Can anybody see me?”

They are all full of questions. Questions more than the Southern casual and empty “how are you?”

When is the last time you spoke to your son?
Who is loving you best these days?
How have you been doing with your self-care?
Have you extended grace to others today?
Have you extended grace to yourself?
How is your soul?
What’s keeping your mind preoccupied?
Why do you think you are experiencing this chapter of your story?
How can I help you pick up your pen and write a better ending?
What is the “why” you need answered today?
Where are you seeing God?
Where do you desire to see God more clearly?

Or simply ask the questions that you wish someone would ask you. Pause and exercise patience. And then here is the next part. The most important part of all. Sit and listen to her response. Just LISTEN.

Be Jesus. That is our sole purpose. Listen. Be His hands and feet.

Often we don’t ask questions of depth because we don’t have time for the in depth conversation that we feel must ensue. Perhaps there isn’t an in-depth conversation that must ensue.

Other times, and probably most often, we don’t ask in-depth questions because we don’t feel as if we will have the answers. You are right. You will not always have the answer. How can you? You are not all psychologists or psychiatrists or theorists or Solomon (you know the wisest guy in the Bible, who really may be questionable on the wisest since he chose to try to have all those wives).

You are just you. But be the best you. Pause. Listen. Be Jesus.

But you have two ears of which God has equipped you with. The purpose of your ears were to listen to His creation, to all of His creation, and to recognize what great things He has done.

Right now, I am sitting outside listening to at least 5 different birds make sounds. Each one of those birds are speaking their language to another of their species. They are letting the other birds know that they are not alone.

Our voice is made to call and respond as well. Call out to someone today and let them know they are not alone. Then listen as they respond.

What is your purpose? To become more like Jesus every day. That’s it.

To listen to God explain why either to you or through you.

Be still and hear why.

Finding Purpose

At the beginning of the year, many ladies in my area gathered together to evaluate our individual purpose. Really, it was just another way of wording the ever popular New Year’s activity where we align our priorities, set goals and establish our ambition for the road that is before us. We seek to take our thoughts captive. We seek to reflect on the failures and successes of the year before - or even the decade before as it is 2020. We identify our stumbling blocks. We identify our strengths. Then we devise a plan. Some call them New Year’s Resolutions. Some call them Life Goals. We call it Purpose.

However, it was a desire of many for this night of self-evaluation to recognize not only what has not been accomplished, but also what shouldn't be accomplished. Women all too often overload their schedule and their ambition with tasks that are deceivingly important, yet the necessity of the task can be reassigned, or do I dare say, ditched.

We feel the need to make the perfect dinner that is Pinterest worthy. I mean, who makes just “spaghetti” anymore?

We feel the need to have the most presentable house - from the tulips at the front door to the family portrait over the mantle. Everyone is measuring your crepe myrtles to make sure you trimmed them on the right date for proper growth, right?

We feel the need to have our child actively involved every season in some extracurricular. What do you mean you take Winter off? There is basketball to be played or travel volleyball or crap, now there is indoor softball? Yes. That’s right. Indoor. In a rodeo arena, at that.

We feel the need to write the perfect posts on each social media vehicle and don’t forget the perfect filter. I do admit I retake my picture more often than not, but that is because I just don’t take a good picture. Meaning, my eyes are closed or I am looking with the angle where I have all 7 of my chins visible.

We feel the need to have the perfect car that is appropriate for our stage in the journey. You mean to tell me that you have a family of five and do not have a 3rd row SUV or a mini-van? What are you thinking? Fuel economy? Yeah, right!

We feel the need to plan the most memorable vacations. Since when have you rested on a vacation? Who does that?

We feel the need to supply our family with all the latest gadgets and gizmos. No, my 8 year old doesn’t have a phone yet. I’m not that crazy. But they can text “grandma” from their iPod, tablet, or simply call her from any room in the house by yelling some woman’s name - “ALEXA, CALL MEEMAW.” And bicycles? Wow, what are those? Not when you can hoverboard to your neighbor’s house.

We feel the need to have the most rigorous workout routine. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night in a month, but gosh I am getting that burn at 5:00am Camp Gladiator. Can’t you tell? Just don’t look at the 4 inches of concealer over the bags under my eyes.

We feel the need to trend with the latest health craze. Kale chips! That is all I will say.

We feel the need to be knowledgable of the community and the most influential contributors. Did you know that the Wilson family is buying a lake house? We all know where the teenagers will be this summer!

We feel the need to have an eccentric craft or side hustle. For the love of all humanity, we are so committed to creative writing that we are paying people to teach us how to write letters in pretty formats so we can save money and not have to buy tags at Christmas. We do realize the money we spent on the online program to teach us calligraphy costs more than the Christmas tags at Walmart, right?

We feel the need to know all the latest media moguls. You mean you can’t tell me the cast list for Stranger Things? Of course it isn’t just Winona Ryder!!!

And then…we go to church. Whew.

We feel the need to be able to state we have completed the works of a trending author and their study…that is until you are on Day 4 of a Beth Moore study and you secretly slide that study under your mattress praying for osmosis because who has time for this lesson? Did you see all the other things I am juggling.

And there it is. We are so busy that we can’t breathe, rest, grow, and love.

This is why so many people in the present day are hitting a wall or actually collapsing more quickly and more dangerously than any generation before. There are times where I am very aware that I would have died if I had been born into life 200 years ago. How many modern conveniences would I be without? Friends, I am not talking about technology. I am talking about packaged butter. I am talking about properly altered clothing. I am talking about an automobile. But at the same time, the women that were committed to life 200 years ago were not as engrossed in a life of comparison because their neighbor was not VISIBLE. Their time was committed to living their best life with what God had given them and a life of gratefulness for the ability to rise and raise a hallelujah once more. If they could read, they did read their scripture. If they could write, they would make sure to reach out to loved ones near and far with an actual quill and paper. If they could bake, their kitchen was always full of the smells of freshness. If they could sew, their children were covered and prepared for the day. If they could sing, their day was full of song that literally came from the bottom of their heart, not a device that played someone else’s worship anthem.

They knew their purpose and did not seek to make it mold into someone else’s box. Many of them remained uninformed about things that were not pertinent to them. Truthfully, many women did not even know who the President was, much less the first lady or what her China pattern was. They saw their neighbors at church on Sunday and maybe as they crossed paths on their journey to town for more staples. There was not time to compare the fabric swatches or to ask about how many hair pins they used that morning to create the necessary updo they were wearing to endure the tasks of the day.

And here we are. Exhausted. Easily bored. Consumed with debt. Ashamed of what we haven’t accomplished comparatively. Discouraged by voices that we may or may not even know.

The women that God has created over the history of time has not ceased to have distinguishable purpose. The women that God has created over the history of time are each uniquely made. The women from yesterday matter and the women of tomorrow matter. Yet the woman you are right now is what matters the most, for she is influencing and shaping not only who you will become, but who those falling under your influence shall become. It is time to identify her purpose. It is time to set her apart as her very own creation. It is time to rescue her from her floating for survival. It is time to teach her to not just swim, but to take flight.


Did you attend the Night of Purpose? If not, did you begin January 1 with a goal for the year? A list of goals for the year? A dream for your future? And how are you on that goal/dream now? Are you progressing to accomplishment or coasting in neutral praying that something will happen to you to springboard your momentum?

That goal/list/dream was birthed in you for a purpose. However, the absence of action to pursue the purpose is by choice and not by chance. The accomplishments come through effort, not happenstance. What changes have you made since that night of re-centering? What exercises have you put into place to make steps in the direction you desire? What boundaries have you established AND respected to safeguard your purpose?

We are not here by accident. We are here for such a time as this. Yet, purpose is imperative or we shall end this life reflecting on what might have been instead of what extraordinary adventure we encountered.

Let’s review and revisit this purpose while we sit here under the protection of quarantine. I am ready. How about you?

Truth and Grace

Truth and Grace. Grace and Truth. No matter the order, the balance of both are necessary. As I have journeyed through my life and the adventures that I have been allowed, I have grown in both of these capacities in both triumphant victories and painful loss. However, I am also learning that pain must precede growth and without pain, there is no advancement for me or for the kingdom.

I remember waking in the middle of the night when I was going through pre-teens with throbbing pains in my legs and sometimes arms. I would be unable to get comfortable and would toss and turn. If only I enjoyed reading then like I do now. I would have escaped into another world and lulled myself back to sleep with the comforts that come from Narnia or the Secret Garden. Regardless, those pains were just a part of maturing in my physical development. My mama called them “growing pains.” I am now a whopping 5’4” and would be no where near this stretch if my body had not extended itself beyond the temporary boundaries at given times. The pain was momentary in the grand scheme, but necessary for the development of my finished product that God was shaping.

I remember learning of a rumor that had spread about me in high school. Now the person I was in high school loved Jesus, but she was also confrontational and bolder. She wasn’t married to a pastor; therefore, the ability to be outspoken and to call it like I see it was not out of the question. I actually left class and went and found the source of my rumor and demanded they correct the false statement immediately. I knew the truth and wanted it to be clear to all who had heard otherwise. There was no room for grace to be extended to my slanderer as I had no care in the world for their justification.

I remember learning of a friend who had hurt me by a decision they had made that affected my entire family. I remember these events vividly in life, don’t you. Yet, when this event happened, I was softened far more than other members of my family. I was not mad, simply sad for my friend. I was sad for the journey for which they were now having to embark. I was sad for those who were unable to see my friend through the same goggles. I was sad that our friendship might never be the same and I didn’t really have control. But I forgave this friend almost immediately. It was so different than how I felt in high school. There was not an immediate need to confront and force the rectification of the matter. I waited and prayed patiently as events unfolded. I extended grace.

I remember the day I realized that grace has been given to me in abundance by Christ and I am in no way worthy of this gift. Yet, day in and day out, I am called to recognize the gift and fulfill my purpose of extending the message of this gift to all who are able to listen. He has given me a story to tell and He is still writing. The new decade has all of us in a reflective and forecasting state. We want to dream and plan and build on what has already occurred. We want to improve and grow in monetary ways, in healthy living, in wisdom and favor with God and man. In our improvement and growth, there must also be discomfort. Truth hurts.

I remember those growing pains. I am now old enough to know that the pains I have in my physical body are no longer growing pains, but rather growing old pains. I am also now old enough to know that my growing pains in truth and grace are continuous. Growing pains in truth and grace are rewarding. Growing pains in truth and grace are peaceful. It is the exhaustion when you collapse on the bed after a night of mentoring teenagers at a Disciple Now. It is the disappointment that you cannot go on vacation with your friend because you have already budgeted to go on a trip with your church. It is the frustration when your coworker gets the promotion when you were doing everything right. Grace comes in and makes your sleep blissful. Grace steps in and awakens your soul to the mission field. Grace steps in and shows you the job you were called to do, not the other side of the fence you are comparing yourself to.
I remember the day I realized that growing in the truth of Jesus is the most rewarding and the grace He extends to me makes life so much less painful. For in his truth, I live a life that is more rewarding and peaceful than I could ever experience out of His truth. Recently, I have stepped out of the shadow of burden bearing and into the truth of accountability and trust. The release of that burden as freeing as the release of chains. I am aware of pain still to left to be endured. Yet, I am ready for He is full of grace. High school me wants to leave class and boldly go tell the story. Older me says be patient and allow Him to tell the story. May my growing pains bring Him all the glory and honor.

Church, Be Benny

My family is notorious for one liners leaving other people feeling awkward and confused. For that, I need to take a moment to apologize. You see, we love, love, love to laugh and more often than not that one liner from Blazing Saddles is the key to break the silence in any situation. And if you can join in, we will expand the dialogue to see how deeply you can engage as if there is some sort of test.

We even measure the quality of our teachers for our kids based upon when our girls can casually mention the question of weight ratio in class and get a grin out of their instructor. (For those of you who have failed to understand that comment, see me after class.) So as we are raising the next generation of unpaid comedy relief (you’re welcome), it is imperative that they are well schooled in the classics so they, too, can understand the rationale for our sudden guffaws in restaurants and social gatherings.

This summer our return to youth has involved some childhood books and films that gave definition to our present self. I have shared with you, dear friend, that my girls have already been exposed to Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail along with all of the Christmas classics including National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and The Christmas Story AND Elf. And yes, dear reader, there cannot be proper upbringing in our society without The Princess Bride as we all want our girls to find their dear Wesley and not Prince Humperdinck.

In June, we introduced them to Smalls, Squints, Porter, Ya-Ya and Benny. This time I watched with new goggles. You see, the first time I watched the Sandlot, my little girl mind grasped the idea of acceptance and camaraderie. That was the design, right? It is a coming of age movie that reminds us to befriend the new guy and be loyal to your pals.

Yet, this time I saw the subtle challenge of the newly blended family and the anxiety of the child in that environment. This time, I saw the lonely neighbor that everyone made up stories about because nobody was brave enough to just go knock on the door.

This time I saw the girl recognize the young man’s bravery as he made a fool of himself at the pool for her (remember Squints married Wendy Peppercorn in the end).
This time I saw a future unfold for a young man simply because of the company he keeps. Smalls became a sports writer. (Insert record scratch.) Do you remember his knowledge of sports at the beginning of that summer? That was not the career path he was pursuing before he moved to this new town. Yet, because of the Crew, he grew up to write stories about his best friend and heroes like him. His life changed and turned a literal corner that summer; all because some kids, dare I say even, one kid took the time to accept him and love on him. Benny changed the trajectory of Smalls’ future simply by being kind.

This type of impact is not limited to little boys playing pick-up baseball or any other sport. This impact transcends age, gender, socioeconomics, and ethnicity. Kindness shared without expectations is an overflow of the kindness that has been lavished upon us. We hoard it and share it with only those we deem worthy. Or only with those we feel will respect it. Or only with those we feel will pour back upon us. Think about it. You chose people on your team for Red Rover who you knew were strong enough to capture the other team. You chose people on your kickball team who were athletically inclined. You chose chemistry lab partners who would do the work…and maybe your’s too. You even choose churches based upon which popular other families attend there or what programs they can provide for your child.

Benny chose Smalls because he needed another kid to complete the team KNOWING that Smalls could give NOTHING in return. Benny extended kindness to teach Smalls how to play the game without hesitation to the time it was taking away from other activities. Benny gave Smalls his own glove and his own ball cap in order to help him be better equipped for the game and be more presentable to the competition. Benny dirtied up his own out-of-the-box pair of PF Flyers to sprint for his life in order to get Smalls’ ball back and keep him from being killed by his stepfather for losing the one-of-a-kind Babe Ruth signature baseball.

Who had you invited over for dinner in your circle of influence with nothing in return expected? The coworker that seems to feel left out? The neighbor that rarely comes out because they are timid or maybe even cranky? The waitress that you see every Tuesday at Taco Tuesday who is barely making ends meet. What can you do to show kindness with nothing expected in return?

Who have you showed how to bake brownies so they can make dessert for their mom and surprise her after a hard day? Who have you showed how to change a tire because their dad is not present to teach that simple lesson? Who have you thrown the ball with that might get nobody to show them how to stop side-arming? What can you do to show kindness by pouring out what has been poured into you?

Who have you given school clothes to that is hoping to even have enough to buy socks for the winter? Who have you extended your extra dishes to that might be eating off of box lids or straight from containers? Who’s gas have you paid for at the gas station without them knowing or drive through meal of the person behind you? What can you do to change the trajectory of someone’s success simply by removing a stumbling block?

When is the last time you sweated for someone else? When is the last time you lost sleep for someone else? When is the last time you cried with someone else? When is the last time you dirtied your PF Flyers for someone else?

If you are a follower of Christ, your cup is full. He filled it. He gave you the gift of eternal life and unconditional love. He calls you His own. He calls you royal and a prized possession. With that comes responsibility. With that full cup, it will overflow. Why would you not want the excess and abundance pouring into those who are lacking a full cup? Placing yourself in the proximity of those needing a taste of His grace and a witness to His love is your responsibility. Other believers do not need you to fill their cup. They are to seek His face for that restoration - for that refill.

If you are not a follower of Christ, you are seeking to fill your cup. You are. There is a void in all of us for which we pursue closure until we find His redeeming love or no longer run the race. So if you are seeking to find grace and mercy…if you are seeking to belong to something bigger than yourself…if you are seeking to find a place where you will be encouraged, equipped, educated, and accepted…seek no further. His mercy knows no end and His love renews freely. May you encounter an overflowing source of kindness today.

Church, be Benny.

Different

Am I different? I don’t believe so. I do not feel that I stand out among others. I do not feel that I would be listed as among those who are not conformers to the world. I do not feel that I am above reproach most of the time. In fact, I feel mediocre and inept. Yet, that is not what God is truly saying to me. He is saying so much more and waiting on me to sit still long enough for him to whisper His truth into my ears, my heart, and my soul.

It takes that depth, friend. It takes that time. It takes that awkward silence. It takes that breathing in and out of His word. Yet, in those moments, I realize that He has made me different and it is in those moments that I feel humbled and in awe. Make no misunderstanding. I am not boasting in some unique gift or ability. I do not feel that I am special or that I should be recognized or rewarded. Do not hear that at all.

I am different. This is to say that although I am made in the image of God, just like each and every other person on earth, I am uniquely designed to be exactly me. I am called by name by Him with purpose and direction. I have gifts and abilities that are similar to other people, but He wants to use my gifts and abilities for different plans.

I am different. This is to say that although I am made in the image of God, just like each and every other person on earth, I am uniquely designed to be exactly me. I am equipped with physical abilities and endurance that is allowed by my Creator so that I can use this temple to best glorify Him. When I am still, it is also then that He whispers to me how I can better care for my temple in order to allow it to experience all that He longs to reveal to me.

I am different. This is to say that although I am made in the image of God, just like each and every other person on earth, I am uniquely designed to be exactly me. I have an emotional intelligence level not shared by all that allows me to see human beings in a deeper level understanding that there are chapters of a story that have been written leading up to the now. This is not to say that all should not seek to understand one another, but there is a difference in being able to people watch in the grocery store and look into someone’s eyes and see that a long day on the job is not the only reason for their exhaustion.

I am different. This is to say that although I am made in the image of God, just like each and every other person on earth, I am uniquely designed to be exactly me. I battle the internal struggle of when is it OK to tend to self and not tend to others as I know that my service to others is only as good as my recharged self. I have read the books that teach me to say NO, but I still need His voice and sometimes His physical hand to keep me from raising my hand to say, “I will do it.” He has given me the ability to see where service is needed, but the patience to wait for the exact one He is calling into the position of service is where I sometimes fall short.

I am different. This is to say that although I am made in the image of God, just like each and every other person on earth, I am uniquely designed to be exactly me. I recognize the impact of my words and sometimes hold them close until I feel the recipient is prepared to hear them. Yet, I hold them close for too long as well as God has physically pushed me towards someone to speak TRUTH that I was terrified for them to receive. Yet, TRUTH will set you free, so why would I not want to set someone free?

I am different. This is to say that although I am made in the image of God, just like each and every other person on earth, I am uniquely designed to be exactly me. I am a weirdo that did enjoy middle school and high school. Yet see above, I realize all that I learned in those experiences and relationships and I have carried them with me to help me continue to be the different that God intends for me to be. I want to recapture the confidence and security of that girl I knew back then and release her into the setting within which I now sit.

I am different, because I know that as I hear the whisper for the third time, I recognize that He is truly talking to me. I realize that His word is seeping into my pores and penetrating my soul. I understand that I am not just getting weird feelings, but rather I am experiencing GOD. I hear Him once and somewhat cock my head to the side and make that inquisitive “Huh?” sound. I hear Him twice, and my heart beats a little differently as I am aware that His Spirit is at work and if I am not careful, it is about to get intimate and deep. (This is often the time where Satan will distract me with a child, a text, a dryer buzzer, a barking dog).

I hear Him a third time and a flock of geese fly by my window with the glaring obvious that my soul is stirred to a place that I cannot help but respond to God, my Savior. Tears fall and words of praise pour.

And through that, I am made different.

Easy Out

It’s hard. It’s gonna hurt. It will challenge you. It’s tough to swallow. Somewhat bearable. The pain will bring healing. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better. You will wish you hadn’t. Getting started is the hard part. It’s going to take time.

Words we do not want to hear, right? Even more so today. We are presented with so many outs now that we seek to avoid pain and suffering and challenges with such magnitude that sometimes we are really just heaping on more pain and suffering for further down. Yet, we still choose avoid. We choose to run the other way. We rarely confront and fight and seek to endure.

In the book of Jeremiah (a man of supreme endurance), the Israelites were making choices that were of self and not of God. After an extensive period of time of waiting on the people to turn from their sin and return to Him, God allowed their sin to engulf them and their land was ravaged by the invading Babylonian Empire.

(Check your history texts. The account of this siege is written from the Babylonian perspective as well. History Teacher Nerd interjection)

Jeremiah was a prophet standing out in the crowd. He spoke God’s truth and was ignored, bullied, imprisoned, chastised, excluded, teased, tortured, yelled at, and discouraged by the people that God had placed him with to serve. Yet, when they wanted or needed something, they came back to him. We have all been this person to a friend or loved one. You know that feeling? They don’t want anything to do with you until they need something. Well Jeremiah felt like this EVERY DAY with EVERY PERSON he encountered. Talk about a battle with depression. Wowsers!

In chapter 42, a remnant of the people were spared from a slaying and had decided that they needed to run away. They had found the “out.” They had found the easier path. They had identified the way to avoid the pain and suffering. They had found the temporary relief.

Easy Out #1 - The easier path for them would be to go to Egypt and just blend in. They may not be in the upper class there, but they can find jobs and food and shelter. They can be a part of an already existing culture that has thriving economic activity. They can make some adjustments to their daily practice, but it will be so much easier than the alternative.

The alternative would be to stay. To stick it out. To endure the challenge. To experience the pain. To start the journey of restoration. To be patient with the time it will take. To fight.

The people of God had been spared from slaying because God had promised this land to them that they were being ran out of by the Babylonians. He wanted to show them that He was true to His word and this land is their land. Not the Babylonians. He wanted them to claim this gift and hold onto it no matter who tried to take it from their grasp. He wanted them to TRUST HIM.

Yet, here is what they said to Jeremiah.

“Please hear our petition and pray to the Lord your God for this entire remnant. For as you now see, though we were once many, now only a few are left. Pray that the Lord your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do…May the Lord be a true and faithful witness against us if we do not act in accordance with everything the Lord your God sends you to tell us. Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God, to whom we are sending you, so that it will go well with us, for we will obey the Lord our God.” Jeremiah 42:2-3, 5-6

Sounds humble right? Let’s look a little more closely. In the beginning they are referring to God as Jeremiah’s god and asking Jeremiah to talk to the Creator of the Universe. They are not recognizing him as their own Creator. Which also demonstrates they are not in a personal relationship with him. Which also indicates they do not trust him. Things are hard.

Easy out #2 - Let’s ask God to fix it.

We do that too. And when He doesn’t fix it in our timing, we try to do it ourselves. Or if he doesn't fix it like we want him to, we seek other methods through the world. When we ask the Lord, we are to wait on the Lord and allow Him to reveal to us His master plan in His timing.

Look at how their language evolves through their petition. “May the Lord be a true and faithful witness against us if we do not act in accordance with everything the Lord your God sends you to tell us.”

Translation - our current language - “I promise God, if you do this for me, give this to me, spare me from this, help me with this, I will never do that again. I promise I will do better with this practice. I promise this. I promise that.”

God doesn't need our empty promises. God doesn’t need us. He longs for us to be in such a loving relationship with Him that we make mistakes and apologize and he forgives us and we move on. We don’t have to make empty promises. In fact, he knows they are empty. Just be real with Him. Be the person with God that you want others to be with you. But BE WITH HIM. Talk with Him. Spend time with Him. That time you spend with Him will be the transformation within your soul that will get you to a place where you will no longer have to make false promises.

“…for we will obey the Lord our God.” He is Jeremiah’s God until the very last statement. Remember when you were a child and you would ask your mom and dad for something? You would end the plea with some sweet compliment or a promise or a cute smile. This last statement we find the Israelites acknowledging God as THEIR God and not just Jeremiah’s God. It wasn’t out of respect and adoration. It was out of desperation and one last compliment to sweeten the plea.

We find that God tells Jeremiah to inform the Israelites after 10 days of waiting to stay and He will bless them and they will thrive. Verse 9-18 is God’s explanation to the Israelites that He intends for them to have this land and to be built up and protected from the king of Babylon. He encourages them to not be afraid. He does not promise that the king will go away. He does not promise that it will be easy. He does not promise instantaneous blessings. He assures them that they needn’t fear because He is with them. God, knowing the heart of the people was craving the easy out, warns that easier will not be better. God clearly tells them that going to Egypt will lead to famine and plague. In other words, God is clearly stating “the grass is not greener on the other side.”

Kudos to them for waiting 10 days. We are guilty of not even waiting a few hours sometimes. However, they now have to make the decision. Do they trust God and play through the pain of rebuilding their kingdom? Do they trust God as they sow their crops and begin to establish an economy again? Do they trust God to even lie their heads down without fear of an invasion? Do they trust God and stay and experience the healing and compassion of the greatest capacity?

They said to the Lord, “..so that it will go well with us…”, but I am not so sure that they were thinking this is what He would say.

“God, let this relationship work because he seems perfect for me.”
Is he perfect, or does life seem easier if you marry this guy with money?

“God, grant me this job so I can financially bless others.”
Do you really want to financially bless others or do you want to live a comfy life and asking for a job to use the money to bless others sounds better?

“God, heal my mom from this illness so I can tell others about your miraculous power.”
This prayer is not insincere, but be aware that God’s healing comes in many different forms and sometimes the endurance of the trial is what will give Him greater witness.

Life is hard. It isn’t hard because of God. Life is hard because too many people are choosing the easy way out. Because of their choices, our world is spiraling into a darker place. The grass is not greener. Easy still comes with a cost. What God wants for you is so much more rich and full and beautiful.

Are you willing to wait 10 days or more? Are you willing to deepen your relationship with Him so that you can pray with trust and faith? Are you willing to allow restoration to occur in your soul? Did you know that restoration in you will lead to restoration in others? Join me in rebuilding the kingdom. Can you imagine how beautiful it will be?

Deep and Wide

One of the greatest stories my family enjoys sharing of my childhood would be the epic children’s musical presentation of which I debuted my true colors. No, I did not take the lead in a solo. No, I did not pull my frilly church dress up over my head. No, I didn’t wave at my parents or adoring grandparents from stage. All of those behaviors are too common for a church girl singing on stage with all of her fashionably dressed peers. I exhibited leadership and protest to questionable authority in a profound and incriminating way. I found injustice and lack of consistency and spoke truth to an ignorant body. I looked the ruling figure square in the eye and rebuked their decision for it was causing a disturbance in my soul and I could not stand back and let such disorder and chaos ensue.

I was four.

A classic children’s church song that expounds upon the endlessness of God’s love for us is “Deep and Wide”. Do you not know it? That is telling of where you are in church or where you are in your walk. Not judging. Trust me. It is just telling. For those of us who did grow up in a traditional, Bible-thumping, sunrise service observing, fall festival (NOT HALLOWEEN) hosting, watered down VBS kool-aid drinking, Just As I Am Southern Baptist church, let us sing together and introduce this song to our friends.

Deep and Wide,
Deep and wide,
There’s a fountain flowing
Deep and wide

Deep and wide,
Deep and wide,
There’s a fountain flowing
Deep and wide.

Catchy, right? It gets better. For memorization mastery and awareness of proper singing position, children’s choir directors would conduct this masterpiece by singing it through one time followed by at least two, and sometimes three, additional times with missing words. Where the words should be in the song, the children’s choir was instructed to hum the word with your mouth properly formed encapsulating the egg with lips closed. You choir people know the position.

Deep and *HUM*,
Deep and *HUM*,
There’s a fountain flowing
Deep and *HUM*.

Deep and *HUM*,
Deep and *HUM*,
There’s a fountain flowing
Deep and *HUM*.

Amazing! The next round would find the voices substituting the word DEEP with a *HUM* and returning the word WIDE to the song. If the choir director felt a little Holy Spirit coming onto the sanctuary, we would go one last time with both words, DEEP and WIDE, being substituted with *HUM*. That’s right.

*HUM* and *HUM*

But wait! I forgot yet another part that makes this song just a step out of the traditional church worship setting. IT HAD MOTIONS. I know, right. You see Aunt Edna getting out her church pew fan right now for fear that she might faint because there was a form of dancing occurring in the worship service. Beads of sweat were forming on Deacon Roberson as he knew he might have to come up to the stage and carry out of the sanctuary the child on the back row that was bending his knees just a little too much for comfort. Yet, we did it anyway. For Deep, the hands expanded the floor to ceiling direction creating an invisible box. For Wide, the hands expanded the left and right, once again as if holding an invisible box. The left and right was always fun because someone always got struck with the aggressive worshipper seeking to prove a point about the expanse of God’s love from East to West.

The small section of the song that differed somewhat had it’s own little cute choreography. “There’s a fountain flowing” engaged the chorus to take their hands and make them into little fists and roll the fists as an extension of their 90 degree bent forearm over and over each other very similar to the also popular “Patty Cake” motion of “roll ‘em up, roll ‘em up”. Are you seeing it? There was much practiced involved for this production. You see, there was great concern for all of the choir members as to whether we were to roll our arms forward, away from the body, or backward, towards the body. Such stress for little ones.

Now, you have the song and the visual of how the song was to unfold. Let us return to the performance.

The small children’s choir of 15 or so preschoolers have taken the stage. The sanctuary was full because it was VBS Commencement. If you do not know what Commencement is, your welcome. Another day. This is the day of VHS recording cameras that were the size of the ones used by the newscast and the sanctuary was saturated with them as proud parents and grandparents were here to watch their babies sing ONE, maybe TWO songs of the same length of the above described song. It was epic.

Preschoolers get to go first in the production for many reasons.

They are the youngest, so you must go in order some way. Why not start with the youngest.
They have the shortest attention span, so making them go last would be disastrous.
They are the cutest, so they hook the crowd into watching the rest of the performances that may or may not be as adorable. (see first paragraph about waving and pulling dresses up over faces)
After they perform, they can be released to their parents and no longer the responsibility of the choir director.

We took the stage and I was front and center. Aren’t you special, you might say. I am. I was loud, and at this age, they just want you to make some noise. I knew the words and the motions, so I would actually perform correctly instead of fooling with my dress. AND last, but not least, I had family in charge of this production.

We sing through the first round of Deep and Wide and I did my part to keep us afloat. I was proud and poised to go through the next round with the implementation of the necessary and strategic humming. I giggled even to myself knowing that we would be so cute and all of these little old ladies would cackle and whisper to their husbands, “awe, look at that George. Aren’t they precious?”

And then it happened. The chaos and absence of order flooded over me. I felt pale and almost nauseated. Things were spinning out of control and I had to stop it before people were led astray. I had to speak up about the error of our ways. I began to sweat and the emotions came over me in a flash…so quickly that the room was almost spinning.

“NO!” I shouted at the choir director. “NO, that is not right!”

The choir director looked at me stunned and continued to try to direct the rest of the choir through the song by ignoring my protests. The choir director also looked at me as if I had lost my mind and that I would pay for this vocal outburst. I didn’t care. I saw an injustice and I was flooded with the severity of the need to right this wrong.

“STOP!”

“You are dong it all wrong! We go, ‘deep and *hum*’ first NOT ‘*hum* and wide’ first.”

The choir director then makes a desperate glance over her shoulder to see if the parents of this unruly child would respond. The choir director was now sweating, also. The choir director was under the impression of “the show must go on” so regardless if we messed up the order of the song, we must keep singing and the choir must follow the director. My four year old little mind had not been introduced to that concept yet. I did not have that stage poise. I was just determined to fix the problem that was presented to my face.

Tears welled up in my little eyes and screaming began because there was not a correction being made to this horrible error. I, front and center, for all the church to see, was speaking the truth of the great depth and width of God’s love and I knew that order was important, but we are not sticking to the order that had been practiced day after day after day. My heart could not contain my disappointment and I wanted to fix it immediately.

“Richard, come and get her right now!” said the choir director through clenched teeth and slightly controlled anger.

The crowd was uncontrollable with laughter, but I was oblivious to it as I was filled with my own anger that such a travesty could happen.

As I saw my father walking up to the stage from the back of the sanctuary (where he sat because he was our sound man), I cried harder and started dancing in place because I knew that this was not going to end well for me. I was so torn because I was upset this injustice had occurred and yet I was going to be beaten for speaking my mind.

My father scooped me up off the stage and continued to loop the sanctuary carrying me out kicking and screaming. I do not know how the rest of the VBS commencement service went. I was banished from the ceremony as I had embarrassed my family with my outburst.

Was I tactful in my protest? No.

Was I timely in my protest? No.

Did I get my point across? Absolutely. Yet, not in a way that was impactful for the good.

Do people still remember my behavior to this day? I am reminded of this memory by church members I grew up with almost every time I go home.

Did I change the world for the better? No. Absolutely not.

Timing and truth. Truth must not be compromised. EVER. However, timing is Jesus. ALWAYS.

Remember that when you are trying to get your point across.

By the way, the choir director…she was my mother.

It Took 4 Years

Since that day, I have a grand list of life occurrences that have taken place. Since that day, I have rested my head at 8 different addresses. Since that day, I have applauded my husband’s accomplishments in completing his masters and excelling in leadership in his field. Since that day, I, too, have attained my masters and am finally employed in a position where I am serving people with my talents. Since that day, I have owned at minimum 12 pets. Since that day, I have held employment at 8 different establishments. Since that day, I have owned no less than 10 cell phones. Since that day, I have driven 5 different cars. Since that day, I have had at least 20 different hair styles. Since that day, I have lost my mother and both of her parents. Since that day, my husband’s parents have divorced and remarried. Since that day, my husband has survived 4 life-threatening experiences. Since that day, my house has flooded twice. Since that day, cancer has taken many people dear to me. Since that day, I have had a scare with that beast myself. Since that day, I have had 3 pregnancies. And on that day in 2012, one came to an end.

I said goodbye to a dream. I accepted the not now or maybe later. I grieved the death of a child that I never got to hold. I curled up in the lap of my Heavenly Father and wept on his chest as he held me and told me that He hurt with me. I was showered with love by others, which were extensions of His mercy and grace upon me as I was not allowed to walk this alone.

Yet, today, as I watch the 15 year memorial on the History Channel of September 11 in our great nation’s history, my frailty resurfaces and I am aware that there is still more grieving to take place and there is so much more going on in my world than my selfish obsessions. God, in all his great patience (15 years and more) is awaiting my response to His call to action. There are people who have also lived at 8 or more addresses since September 11, 2001. There are people who have juggled more than 8 jobs since then because they had to, not because of choice like myself. There are people who have not driven a car at all because they cannot afford one. There are people who lost multiple loved ones that day and are still not sure about life after death. Yet, here I sit in my own pity party wondering what I am to do next when all the while, I hold the answer. I know what happens next.

Since that day, I have seen God move our family through His leading into each of these new addresses and I have rejoiced in the excitement and deliverance each time - EACH TIME. Since that day, I have seen my husband thrive in the education of the church and in turn pour out his wisdom to others as he strives to serve people. Since that day, I have seen God give me the ability to juggle 2 children, teaching, coaching, and leading a small group all while getting my master’s degree. Since that day, I have watched my mother pass AND I, YES I, got to say goodbye unlike the over 3000+ families that did not get that closure.

This day is so much harder for me since 2012. I should have a 3 year old to tuck in tonight. I should be packing 3 lunches for school tomorrow. I should lay out 3 outfits. I should be outside practicing with training wheels again. But I am not and it is good. Now here is where I am.

For nearly 4 years, I have been in deep conversation with God about accepting this desire of my heart and discovering how else He intends to fulfill it. Here is my reality that He is finally getting through to me. He is not going to fulfill this desire. He is not.

Did you just catch your breath as well?

For 4+ years, I have been trusting God to fulfill the desire of my heart for more children to care for and I have been creating different ways for this desire to transpire. I just know He wants me to share our loving family with other children. If I cannot birth another one, than we must adopt. A foreign adoption makes so much sense as we will be able to give a child in an impoverished land a greater opportunity to know God, to know family, to know their abilities, to thrive.

But we didn’t raise enough money…and then we moved…and our situations shifted…but I still tried to make my vision His vision.






We will foster and that will most likely lead to adoption and oh how God will be honored through this experience. We went through the classes. We met all the requirements. We got a house with enough room. We found excitement. We got a placement.

They were beautiful babies that I fell in love with instantly. But this was not what God wanted for our family. So he took things in which I had found security and stability and caused them to create great instability and anguish in my own personal being. I cried so much. At the time, I thought my tears were from exhaustion and fatigue. Now, I know. They were tears of grieving.

I grieved not only the realization that we could not keep these children in our lives, but that God was painfully telling me what He had been trying to tell me all along. The desire of my heart for my life are my desires and not His. My heart was bleeding for His broken and fallen world and that gave Him great joy. Yet, the calling I was trying to call myself to answer was not His voice, but only my own.

How can you do the things I long for you to do when you keep trying to do everyone else’s assignment, Jodi? Why are you weary? Because you are trying to be anybody but who I designed you to be. Be still and listen.

That baby you carried for 11 weeks was a creation that I made and I allowed you to experience because you so desired that feeling once more. Yet, if I had allowed that baby, with the conditions that were present, to come into your life, your hands would be tied to not do other things I have designed you to do.

This baby you sought to adopt from a foreign land; a land full of MY PEOPLE that I have formed and have a greater love for than you will ever be able to experience; that baby would also take time away from your sharpening of your gifts. These precious little ones need so much more than you can give right now, Jodi. I did not desire to watch you weep with the agony of despair and failure that I know you to experience.

I gave you two at an age you requested and I knew your heart would be one with their’s immediately, because I know YOU. I formed you and I know how you tick. I gave in and allowed you to weep with agony and despair and the feeling of failure that you experienced as things did not line up for you to keep these two precious ones that I also spoke into existence. I gave in to your continual pleas as I knew you had come to a place where you needed to see for yourself what I was trying to speak over you so many times before.

Now, do you hear me? I love you more than you will ever comprehend. I have plans for you to prosper. I have given you a spirit of power and self-worth. The world has sought to tear you down, but I have come to restore you and pick you up out of the mire. I have come to watch you spark a flame and eventually become a blazing fire that draws people to my name. I am holding you now and steadying your gait as fear seeks to wrap your feet like cement and prevent them from taking even one step further.

Begin the plunge back into my Word and hide it in your heart as the world will now more readily attack your vulnerability. Reach out for my promises and close your ears to the chiding and laughter and discouragement. Remember that the same heart I gave you to love those babies is the same heart that now needs to love the offspring of those who were devastated by life and are just not sure I am real and I am here. That same heart that you had to rescue those in another land where prosperity is limited is the heart I want you to use to recognize the absence of prosperity everywhere and bring that awareness to my throne. Let me hear you speak of what you see as I see you trust me to deliver just as I have delivered you.

Though you are acknowledging the difference in my vision and your vision, I am completely OK with your grieving resurfacing. I created you. I made you an emotional being. I expect you to feel and I long for you to let me be a part of that process - even if it means that you look at me with those eyes of great disappointment. I only wish I could get through to you sooner so that this is not so painful. Too often I have seen you dream wild and freely only to have it crash. I want you to dream and I want you to run without fear towards impossible goals, but I want them to be the goals I HAVE for you because they are THE BEST.

Since that day, I have watched the widows and orphans increase and the care for them fluctuate. Since that day, I have watched people release their linked arms and begin to fill with hate again. Since that day, I have watched people live like tomorrow is given even though you watched with intense awareness that it is not. Since that day, cancer still attacks. Since that day, terrorists still lurk. Since that day, jealousy still eats the flesh and the Sabbath is no longer holy. Since that day, my heart for my people has only grown more sorrowful and my army of men and women of faith is depleting into a weak and self-absorbed sit-in. Where are you? I go before you and I stand behind and I am always by your side. I reign forever. It will take my angel armies to help you, but if you trust me, they will come. Since that day, I have been waiting on you to see MY BEST FOR YOU. Trust that just as I was with Caleb and Joshua, I will also be with you.

May you never forget…again.

(No this is not my foot...but maybe it should be)