She Was Me

She drove with an awareness of speed and a mind carrying on two extensively involved conversations at the same time. There was no time for tears. There was no time for pause. Only go. Be swift and focused. She ran traffic lights and disregarded other late night travelers trusting their fate was covered in the same hands holding her.

“Hey Babe, can you hear me? We are almost there. Just hang on.”

“God, he is yours first and you know what is going on better than anyone else. Please help me get him to help. Please clear the road and keep other’s safe in my pathway.”

She pulled into the ER drop off slinging his limp body against the door. As she rounded the front of the car, the first lump entered her throat as one of his best friend’s ran to meet her.

“We are going to have to carry him inside. He is lucid and covered in vomit.”

“I’ve got him. Don’t worry.”

An observant nurse brought out a wheelchair seeing their train wreck, so she turned to run back to the car so she could perform the civic responsibility of at least putting her car in an actual parking spot.

“HEY! I’ve got the car. You come be with your husband.”

So she grabbed her purse and sprinted back to his side and escorted him straight back into admission. He was angry, irritable, irrational, and unaware of anyone or anything familiar including his bride.

Unlike times before, the nurse seemed to know they were in serious danger, so she allowed the wife the freedom to have access to both her arms. Instead, the nurse asked her the most important questions on the admission pages and left the rest to be assumed or filled out as the evening progressed. She rattled off the meds he had taken into his body that day, including the intravenous anti fungal she had just finished administering in their den.

He was sweating profusely and straining with every ounce of strength he had to get up out of the chair. The fight would stop long enough for his body to convulse and purge once more.

Immediately, they were surrounded by several large male nurses who greeted her with very calm faces. Their aggressive actions did not convey the same. She was too focused on soothing his agitated state to even be aware of when the first nurse ran for help.

Within seconds he was on an ER bed with a doctor already present. There were no less than 4 attendants present to help as he was becoming more and more restless and combative.

Then there was another body standing next to her. The next lump tried to climb up her throat. His other best friend had flown to the hospital to take over where the other friend had left off. His timing was impeccable as her ability to hold him down while they cut all of his clothes off was nearly impossible.

She continued to speak to him so he could hear a voice he knew.
She watched the thermometer reach 108.
She watched them tie him to the bed while his friend pinned him down.
She watched them cover him in ice.
She watched them rip the PICC line out of his arm and throw it in the trash. Third lump.
She watched him fade.
She prayed again.

“God, he was yours first. You have allowed me this time with him as a gift. If it be your will, take him, but PLEASE, don’t let him suffer.”

The second friend attempted to put an arm around her and she stepped away. Touch = tears. There is no time for that. There are still actions and decisions to make. She knew the doctor needed her to keep it together so she could make rational decisions.

“We are going to need to do an X-Ray and MRI to see if we can identify the cause of the fever. You will not be able to go with him due to your condition,” the doctor said.

She looked down at her burgeoning belly. Fourth lump.

They wheeled him away unconscious down the hall to the radiation area. A male nurse looked up at her with eyes that could not say, “it’s going to be ok.”

The doors closed and it was then she let that second friend envelop her like a bear. The fifth lump won. She quietly sobbed and he said nothing as there were no words to say because the truth was uncertain.

She was me.

Channel 1 - Columbine

Channel ONE News! Does anyone remember the beginnings of this great effort to connect America’s youth? I LOVED Channel ONE News and secretly wanted to go work for them when I graduated, but I didn’t dare tell anyone. I wanted to take the reality of what was going on in our world and expose it to my sheltered classmates who were living under the cloud of MTV Freedom was the true definition of liberation. An extreme rural institution with window unit air conditioners that didn’t always work and a trophy case with relics dating back to the 50s, we took a double take when they mounted in EACH classroom a 13” tube tv so that we could watch this rather modern approach to unification.

And boy did it unify us. Our school was everything modern schools would be aghast over. We had 7th graders in the same building as Seniors. We had lockers in bays where students could hide and do exactly what you think they would. We had a water tower in the back that provided shelter for the smokers during breaks. We had a gym with insulation peeling off that contained asbestos. We had coaches that married students. We had bullies that closed lockers just as you opened them. We had fights in both the boys and girls locker rooms. We had mean girls who wrote on your binder. We rode in the back up pick up trucks to baseball and softball practice because it was off campus. We ran track on the road, not a track, because we didn’t have one. Our mascot was a blue Beelzebub in the heart of the Bible Belt.

However, we had a unity that attracted people to our land and made others detest it in true rival fashion. Our unity was in 10 simple words.

“This is Blue Devil Country.
Love it or Leave it!”

When someone complained about things, we told them they were always free to go. Our unflinching leader would profess this statement to parents and students alike often. It would make us chuckle, especially when it was not us as the recipient of his bodacious speeches. His voice merited two reactions - fight or flight. When we heard it bellowing down the hall, we either ran to what or whom he was addressing for FOMO, OR, we ran from what or whom he was addressing knowing that he was on a tirade and we could easily be harmed in the wake of his warpath.

Mr. Trotter is epic and deserves another post, I daresay book, all to himself. So we revered him highly and waited on his lead for everything. When he allowed his Blue Devil Country to have a peak at the real world with Chanel ONE News, we all found ourselves flabbergasted. It was amazing and eerie all at the same time.

Who talked him into this? Is he going soft? Did some parent pay for all of this? How in the world is this happening?

But whether it was his intention or not, the allowance of our exposure for those short 5 minutes of national and global happenings in the morning were transformative. They awakened us to life outside our walls. They educated us to life outside our small town. They humbled us to life outside our borders. They united us in appreciation for our sheltered and privileged lives and especially for his protective spirit.

It transformed classrooms around our world as it attracted an audience, informed us of news, and encouraged us to think.

On April 21, 1999, Chanel ONE News came on in the classrooms across America with heart-wrenching horror that didn’t just unite one school in the Western United States. It united them all as the pain of the shock of Columbine was the cover story. As students sat next to their classmates listening to how quickly things transpired within the school day of these peers in Colorado, the depth of eternity was heavy. People glanced across the aisle from one another realizing that their classmate is fragile and their time with each other is but a moment. Remorse for unkind words and gestures flooded even the toughest of brutes. Sorrow for the broken who retreat due to fear and pain was felt. Respect surfaced and unity mended.

Though I was in college when this happened, I thought about how my classmates and I would have responded. There was no doubt, we would have congealed into a heap of tears and strength. As I was in the schools working with teachers to prepare for my final year and for student teaching, I saw the pain of piddly cliques cause lines of tension to fade. I saw the power of words be harnessed for good and no longer harm. As painful as this event was in history, I saw it change America in many ways. It gave people a renewed sense of purpose and a renewed sense of responsibility.

Chanel ONE News is simply a media outlet that utilizes the power of words to attract an audience, inform an onlooker, encourage a listener to make a decision to be better. Our words have that exact same power and are used the exact same way. Are you attracting an audience? When are you attracting attention? How are you informing them? Of what are you informing them? Who are you encouraging them to be? Where are you encouraging them to go? And most importantly, why?

Find your motive. If it isn’t to help you or someone else to become better, perhaps your motive is not for an audience at all.

Purpose - What

Every word we use has a purpose, from nouns to adverbs to interjections. A great story is told when the author recognizes word usage and placement. Each question word - who, what, where, when, why, how - has an actual intention, as well.

In the midst of the current pandemic, the question that is rising in every home now is not really the question why, although that is still highly applicable. It is another popular interrogative word used in our language - what? Questions like “Mom, what are we going to do today?” or deeper and more probing questions like “What does all of this mean…for me, for my family, for my country, for our world?”

The question word of what is used to acquire an answer with specificity. So when you use a particular question term, you are actually seeking a particular answer; therefore, it is posed with purpose.

Purpose is defined as the reason for which something is done or for which something exists. Purpose is also defined as one’s intentions. We want specific answers. We want to have clarity and direction. We need some type of assurance of our existence. We desire to have affirmation for our steps - for even rising each day. We ask “what?” In order to get a specific reason. Essentially, we need something to place hope in. We want peace.

So we look for answers, but sometimes our direction becomes focused on things promising hope and peace, yet are not capable of sustaining hope and peace. Bombarded by well-intentioned informants encouraging us to find purpose in the many hats we wear leaves us anxious, fearful, disappointed, and exhausted. There are 15, 21, 28, 30, and even 45 day fixes on reestablishing our purpose. All promise that once our footing over this particular element of our life is established, we will have success and joy in all other aspects. We will have hope and peace.

Once you have a better understanding of your role as a wife, you will become a better mom, a better friend, a better leader, and a better employee. Gosh, that makes so much sense. Why would that not be the way to understand my purpose. God clearly tells us that we are to seek to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ in Ephesians, so when I get that right, I get everything right. Right?

Once you have a 28 day challenge accomplished on how to treat your temple, then you will be the best wife, the best mom, the best friend, the best employee, the best sibling and all of the other hats. How could managing your health not be a great answer for pursuing purpose? You are only given one body, and one life to live, so why would this not be the best answer? Right?

Once you have finished the 30 day purging/cleaning challenge, you will have your home in order and will have more time to devote to all of those other great relationships you have been given. How could establishing order not be a way to better pave the way for purpose in your life? Don’t you see how happy Marie Kondo is and how peaceful her life appears to be? Right?

I was listening to a podcast the other day talking about all of the wonderful things we have access to thanks to the internet. We have access to all of these studies and videos and books and coaching sessions through so many different vehicles. We have access to friends from 30 years ago as well as our neighbor next door. We have our eyes open to injustice in nations on the other side of the globe and to needs right down the road. We have exposure to the haves and have nots of ourselves and still of others.

However, the awareness of our access to others was not the awakening part of the conversation. This podcast did not scold me for not doing more to restore lost friendships. It did not guilt me into making greater donations to rescue missions. It did not frown upon my desire for a new white t-shirt from Free People. In fact, the interview discussed something that was so heavy and so purposed and so different. It was the very absence of awareness was the enlightening topic.

The absence of an awareness of what we can do to better our roll as wife, mother, or employee might actually be beneficial. The absence of awareness of what the magnitude of injustice is in the world might actually be beneficial. The absence of awareness of what the events of our former circles are might actually be beneficial.

I love history for so many reasons. History is important so that we can learn how to be the best us. History is important as it shows us mistakes made by those who were journeying before us. History is important as it reveals to us where heroes emerged in difficult times because they were willing to do hard things. History is important for it gives us pause to realize that the luxuries we have today were not provided through ease and simplicity. History is important because we learn how we were designed, and how we function alone, and how we function together. History is possibly most important as it reveals boundaries.

Two hundred years ago, what we knew of the life of our school-aged friends was most likely because they were still our neighbors. However, if they were not - if they had married and moved away - than they were no longer in our circle and that was not a bad thing. It was just a thing thing. That chapter of our life had closed and we had entered into a new chapter and that was the answer to what. That was our purpose. Our heart was not consumed with working to try to restore that relationship. Our purpose was not defined by that lost friendship. Our focus was on pursuing the present.

Two hundred years ago what we knew of injustice was within our home, or our community, or maybe the neighboring community. That was all. We did not know of injustice in Asia, nor did we know of riots in the city over Napoleon’s death. However, we did know when there was a crop shortage in the neighboring town and that was the answer to what. That was our purpose. Our heart was not burdened by the overwhelming sadness of events in other places that we might not be able to assist. Our soul was not heavy by things we had no ability to be involved. Our focus was on pursuing the present.

Two hundred years ago we chose fashion based on functionality. Even in the cities, where people were able to view others and their fashion choices, the presentation of self was more concerned with what could be accomplished with the attire and not whether it made the cover of a publication. Achieving success over the tasks that were presented to us each day was the answer to what. That was our purpose. Our heart was not conflicted with what we didn’t have, but rather peaceful with what we did have. Our focus was on pursuing the present.

Then we introduced the telephone where we could be able to talk to people several cities away and learn of their struggles. Our heart was just asked to hold a little more than it was originally designed to hold. The answer to what became a little more cloudy.

Then we received radios in our homes and most of the early broadcasts were national and global news informing us of both achievements and tragedies that were occurring across the world. Our hearts were again asked to hold a little more than it was originally designed to hold. The answer to what became a little more cloudy.

The television gave us actual visuals of the great burdens of the world and also the things we did not know we needed. Our hearts were again asked to hold a little more than it was originally designed to hold. The answer to what became a little more cloudy.

And now the internet. Our souls are so burdened and heavy that many of us are battling unknown ailments due to anxiety, fatigue, and exhaustion. In our pursuit of present, we are not exactly clear on what our present is anymore and yet we have access to exorbitant resources to help redirect us in 5 clear steps.

Yet still, we were not designed to hold all of this information. We were not designed to be stretched so very extensively. We were not purposed for this vastness. So what is our purpose? How can you know when you have all of this information sitting so heavily on your sense of being. And so we begins the process of re-centering our circle, re-centering our purpose, re-centering our God.

And even still, how can I let go of enormous tragedies like sex trafficking and hunger and imprisonment and injustice? How can I let go of my families debt, my cousin’s cancer, my former classmates’ unemployment, my previous co-worker’s rebellious child? How can I let go of looking in the mirror and seeing the crow’s feet, three chins, and gray hair? How can I just let go of it all?

God does not wish for these things to go unnoticed, but he first wants us to recognize what our actual purpose is. Our purpose is to become more like Christ.

What is your purpose? To become more like Christ. Say it again. To become more like Christ. That’s it.

God cannot make me more like him if I don’t spend time with Him and sit and listen to Him. He cannot tell me what my purpose is and grant me insight into my life’s direction if I don’t allow Him to do so. Before I can allow my soul to be consumed with all of happenings of the other people in my life, I must allow my soul to be consumed with Him. It is then that He will then direct me and actually SPECIFICALLY guide me to exactly what I have room for in my soul. I cannot reach for the world without first reaching for Him. My efforts will become futile and I will become exhausted and worthless when I have these out of order. If I am to love God and love people as He has commanded, I must first love Him.

Friends, these injustices in our world cannot be ignored. Please do not hear me saying that at all. However, you cannot help if that is not your lane to run. You also cannot help if you are already spent because you have been seeking to answer “what is my purpose” with 15 other sources.

The specificity of your purpose is so clearly defined through God. Let us never forget that He created each one of us INDIVIDUALLY for a PURPOSE. Find yours, not others and then live it well and live it loud.

Purpose - Where

Where do we go when we are seeking to find the answer to our why? There are so many agents right now trying to answer that for us, trying to win our loyalty as they profess to have THE answer. Yet, they are all lacking in some form or fashion. The loyalty causes exhaustion and often results in burnout or wear or quite simply human failure. If the truth be told, I have been a seeker of where to my why, despite knowing the truth, for a large portion of my life.

Where do I go to find a quick fix for this lie that I just told? Simple. Make sure that everyone that is a part of the lie knows to protect me and proceed with life under the shadow. Yet, the where - everyone else to protect me - will eventually crumble. Those people will eventually fade in their loyalty. Those people will eventually slip and tell the truth. Those people will crumble under the burden of dishonesty that you have actually forced them to bear. So this where is not reliable. So where?

Where do I go for the relief from the debt I have incurred? I take out a loan and rob Peter to pay Paul. The debt is not gone. It is relocated and it is a shadow lurking in your life until it is gone. The banker/creditor/loan shark will never stop asking for their money. And you have just fueled their business. The where needs to something we look for before we make the decision to accrue the debt. That’s another question for another day. So where?

Where do I go for help with this weight that I just cannot shed? Pick your get skinny quick diet/workout/plan/scheme. If you take these vitamins, eat these limited foods, drink 90 gallons of water, exercise 3xs/day for 6 days a week, and sleep 10 hours/day, you will be healthy and beautiful. Yes, it is doable, but is it sustainable? Are you in a relationship with other humans? Do you work a job? It’s hard to do a lot of these life changes. The habits we have for quick lunches (i.e. Wendy’s 4for4) while we work feverishly to provide for our family’s needs (i.e. mortgage, insurance, piano lessons, travel ball) are nearly impossible to break. They lead us climbing into bed to only gain about 5 hours of sleep and then who has time to exercise or meal prep. So where?

Where do I go for advice on my conflict with a friend? To my other friend, of course. But not just any other friend, the one that will support my side of the story and encourage me to not back down from my emotions. The one that will help me devise a plan to have a conversation with an ultimatum. The one that will tell me all sorts of juicy gossip about the friend that I am mad at to help me feel better about myself. Hey wait a minute! If friend B will talk about friend A in such a way, shouldn’t I be worried about what friend B might be saying about me to others just as easily. So where?

The truth is the truth. As hard as it is for many of us to just be still and know, that is the truth. When life presents us with an enormous why in our life, it is important that we pause and listen and let Jesus love us where we are. It is important to reach to Him for comfort and for explanation before we seek out any other alternative. It is important that we recognize Him to be omnipotent. He knew the road we were walking down and the journey we were going to choose long before we arrived where we are now. He also knows how to lead, guide, and direct us so that we can find the best He has for us despite all of the trash and tragedy.

Where do we go when we are seeking to find the answer to our why? We go to the Word. It is full of promises of hope and grace and truth. It is full of stories of forgiveness that are not meant to be fairytales, but rather they are examples of the God who rescued and redeemed before is still on the throne now longing to rescue and redeem us as well.

Where did Abraham’s lie(s) get him concerning who his wife was? Genesis 12:12 & 20:2 both give account of Abraham trying to conceal who Sarah was. It went horribly wrong and caused great distress for all parties involved - Abraham, Sarah, and the leaders with whom Abraham lied to. But God! But God still worked in and through Abraham and kept the covenant and made him the Father of many nations. This is not to say that lying is excused. No friend! However, it is to open your eyes to the truth that the same God who redeemed Abraham will redeem you from the time when you have been dishonest and will bring restoration so that you can be a cleansed vessel for kingdom work.

Where did the servants go when given the challenge to do something with what they had been given? Jesus tells the parable in Luke 19 concerning a master and three employees. Each were given the explicit command to “put this money to work…until I return.” He did not tell them how? He did not tell them why? He just gave a very clear implication to make the money produce something. When we are given anything, we are asked to be a good steward of what we have been given. Not so that we can become rich and famous, but so that we can be blessed and bless others. The parable goes on to explain that upon returning, one servant was able to give account to have truly doubled what was given to him. The second was able to grow the money at 50%. The third did nothing with their allotment and was not only scolded, but he was also told to give his money to the one who had already earned the greatest inheritance. We need to recognize that nothing we have in life is truly ours. It is all God’s. All of it. How we steward it will be dependent upon how we are able to truly benefit. But God! If we seek God as to how to best invest, spend, save, allocate or blessings, He will guide us so that we will have future opportunities to bless others with what we have been given.

Where did Ruth go when she was a widowed outsider? Ruth could have gone to her people where she was known and accepted and would have been easily able to slide back into a life that was not ideal, but satisfactory. Instead, she told Naomi, “where you go, I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God will be my God.” She did not look in the mirror and seek out the quick fix. She clung to what she saw lived out in Naomi’s life and pursued that truth for herself. But God! By that step of faith, she became a part of the lineage of David, and therefore Jesus. Look in the mirror and seek to make changes that God tells you to make, not through comparison to other creations that he intended for their own unique purpose. Perhaps you are exactly as He designed and He needs you to quit looking in the mirror and to get busy stepping out in faith serving Him.

Where did Samuel go when he was hearing strange voices in the middle of the night? Samuel ran to his trusted advisor and mentor, Eli. Eli caught on at the third time and properly advised Samuel how to proceed the next time he heard this voice calling out to him in the dark of night. But God! But God persisted with Samuel and Eli knowing that Eli would eventually lead Samuel to His throne. Samuel sought the guidance from someone that he trusted would best lead him to a decision that would bless him and in turn bless others. Eli did not scold him or tell him he was crazy and just hearing things. Eli listened with the hands of God upon him and used proper discernment as to how to best lead Samuel. Now it took three times for Eli to catch on and make sense of it all, but the relationship was blessed by God and used by God for His glory.

Pick your predicament. There is an answer from the Lord as to how to proceed once you have encountered this situation. We may not always get the answer we desire. Our why may not be answered with the clarity that is acceptable to our standards, but as we better understand God’s standards and God’s design, our standards become more aligned and more attuned to the peace that is granted when we believe that life with Jesus is just better.

Our purpose is simple. We are to become more like Jesus every day. How else can we do that without looking at where He is described so very clearly, the Word.

Why?

Why do I have to go to sleep now? Why didn’t I get a turn? Why did the dog bite me? Why are you going to work? Why can’t I have a pony? Why is Uncle Jimmy so short? Why does PawPaw smell like sweet smoke? Why won’t you try my waffle covered in pickles and peanut butter?

Those questions we hear over and over and over and over again through the inquisitive and innocent little minds of our youngest friends. It can be exhausting seeking to try to answer them all. Sometimes we just surrender to blanketed answers like, “just because” or “because I’m a grown up” or “because God made them that way.” I will not deny that I have passed the explaining off to God many times when the truth is, He has placed me as the adult in a situation to be His voice. He has created all of us in His image and desires for us that are farther along to impart the wisdom we have gained on those walking behind us.

Yet, that causes a rise in patience. It invokes the act of listening. It forces us to pause and see others as Jesus sees us all - little children that He beckons to come unto Him.

As for the literal little ones, imagine all that they do not yet comprehend and all the types of deductive reasoning they have yet to accomplish. If we just stop and recognize they are decades behind us on true comprehension, it makes the answering of obvious questions so much easier. And just when we think we have the inquisitive stage behind us…

Why can’t Phoebe spend the night? Why do I have to go to school? Why do grades even matter? Why do you care what I wear? Why will his reputation affect mine? Why have you taken my phone? Why do we have to go to church? Why are you ruining my life?

The questions don’t stop. In fact, they get harder. They get more annoying; but, not really annoying, more challenging. Parents of teenagers will tell you that they find these years to be a challenge because they’re often faced with questions that truly just feel like should be answered with a stern, “because I said so!” Yet, the challenge is not to our authority. No, don’t tell yourself that lie, although all parents do. We think they are challenging our control. We think they are questioning our rules. They are initiating rebellion!

Nope! They are not. I’m sorry to break it to you, but I think deep down you knew it. They are still the innocent little girl you were parenting 10 years earlier desperately wanting someone to explain to them why the sun is yellow and why it rises some days and does not appear to do so on other days and how that is going to affect her life. Her questions are valid. She needs a trustworthy answer.

She still needs you to engage in the battle with patience. She still needs you to sit and listen, TRULY listen. She still needs you to pause and see her as Jesus sees her.

Unfortunately, the actual problem is not the question, but rather the timing. It can/will come after we have failed to explain the progression of our lives at the same rate of change they are encountering. My girls still talk with me pretty openly, and that is by the grace of God. Yet, there are many times that I am faced with situations that rise up which expose life lessons I have not invested the time or patience to truly invest. As a result, there rises a need for careful and cautious redirecting as I explain how I missed that blaring moment of discovery. For example, we had to explain to one child the other day about the cautions of what is posted on social media.

I hear you all saying, well, duh. Seriously, though. We thought we had covered this topic, but really we had just assumed “our” common sense was absorbed by osmosis. Her common sense is present, but because she has not been exposed to as much pain, dejection, ridicule, and crime as we have, her actions were innocent. She did not intend to cause any harmful repercussions from her actions, but we live in a fallen world, so there’s that. We spent some time redirecting her thinking so that the next time she was faced with a decision of similar nature, she was better equipped as to how to proceed.

Now be mindful of this truth, their progression of life and rate of change is at a speed that we have allowed, so when the speed is faster than we are comfortable with, we feel anxious and easily irritated, and quite frankly, scared. We have tons of life lessons that need to be taught happening all at the same time and our need to pause and listen just became overwhelming. Don’t give up! They need answers. They need direction. They need you to point them to where to find the answers when you are no longer available. Like…

Why did I not get the job? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why do I only feel relaxed after a few drinks? Why does my friendship feel so surface level? Why can’t I sleep? Why do I have all this debt? Why can’t we have the life we deserve?

Now there is nobody to ask these questions toward. Many of us still ask why, but there is not a mom to yell at anymore and our spouse is no longer our soulmate we confide in and our friends only want to talk about the town and not their hearts and who can afford a therapist. But still. But still that little girl who wants to know why the sun is yellow and why it rises some days and does not appear to do so on other days…that little girl still lives inside our soul and will never stop asking why.

So who do we ask? Who has the answer? Who knows our purpose and the reason for our time? Who will engage in the battle of patience over us? Who will listen, TRULY listen? Who will pause and see us as Jesus sees us - even farther, who will help us look in the mirror and see Jesus as Jesus sees us? You know the answer, but sometimes we need to ask the question so that we can audibly hear someone give us affirmation. We need to ask because we also want to know if anybody is listening? We may not say all of the questions out loud, but our heart is constantly asking. My heart is constantly seeking and I am thankful that my God is constantly pausing, listening and letting me see, ready to respond with enough to sustain me but not to scare me.

In 2005, Casting Crowns released the the song “Does Anybody Hear Her” and that song truly wrecked me. My brokenness was not necessarily about my broken life, although my life is not remotely an example of unmarred clay. The brokenness was for the women who I come in contact daily in all of life’s circles whom are living representations of this girl. Remember the song? Here are some of the lyrics to jog your memory or awaken your soul.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

You see, the girls who are preteens embarking on some of the most horrendous years of their lives are asking questions - questions that beg to be answered before another misadventure.

The teenager who has already made bad choices and is wondering if there is no turning back is asking questions - questions that beg to be answered before she is three more steps behind.

The college student who is feeling alone in the middle of a giant sorority full of “sisters” is asking questions - “Does anybody hear me?”

The young professional who is successfully climbing the ladder with poise and accuracy is asking questions - “Can anybody see?”

The single mom of three who is desiring to have a man who will take care of her and her precious babies is asking questions - with all the lost and lonely people.

The middle age mom who is wondering if she is going to ever feel pretty again is asking questions - searching for the hope.

The stay-at-home mom with an empty nest is asking questions - “Is the canyon widening?

The retirement ready woman who wants to travel the world is asking questions - “How long have I been running?”

The grandmother raising her grandson is asking questions - “Does anybody hear me?”

The great-grandmother with Alzheimer’s is asking questions - “Can anybody see me?”

They are all full of questions. Questions more than the Southern casual and empty “how are you?”

When is the last time you spoke to your son?
Who is loving you best these days?
How have you been doing with your self-care?
Have you extended grace to others today?
Have you extended grace to yourself?
How is your soul?
What’s keeping your mind preoccupied?
Why do you think you are experiencing this chapter of your story?
How can I help you pick up your pen and write a better ending?
What is the “why” you need answered today?
Where are you seeing God?
Where do you desire to see God more clearly?

Or simply ask the questions that you wish someone would ask you. Pause and exercise patience. And then here is the next part. The most important part of all. Sit and listen to her response. Just LISTEN.

Be Jesus. That is our sole purpose. Listen. Be His hands and feet.

Often we don’t ask questions of depth because we don’t have time for the in depth conversation that we feel must ensue. Perhaps there isn’t an in-depth conversation that must ensue.

Other times, and probably most often, we don’t ask in-depth questions because we don’t feel as if we will have the answers. You are right. You will not always have the answer. How can you? You are not all psychologists or psychiatrists or theorists or Solomon (you know the wisest guy in the Bible, who really may be questionable on the wisest since he chose to try to have all those wives).

You are just you. But be the best you. Pause. Listen. Be Jesus.

But you have two ears of which God has equipped you with. The purpose of your ears were to listen to His creation, to all of His creation, and to recognize what great things He has done.

Right now, I am sitting outside listening to at least 5 different birds make sounds. Each one of those birds are speaking their language to another of their species. They are letting the other birds know that they are not alone.

Our voice is made to call and respond as well. Call out to someone today and let them know they are not alone. Then listen as they respond.

What is your purpose? To become more like Jesus every day. That’s it.

To listen to God explain why either to you or through you.

Be still and hear why.

Finding Purpose

At the beginning of the year, many ladies in my area gathered together to evaluate our individual purpose. Really, it was just another way of wording the ever popular New Year’s activity where we align our priorities, set goals and establish our ambition for the road that is before us. We seek to take our thoughts captive. We seek to reflect on the failures and successes of the year before - or even the decade before as it is 2020. We identify our stumbling blocks. We identify our strengths. Then we devise a plan. Some call them New Year’s Resolutions. Some call them Life Goals. We call it Purpose.

However, it was a desire of many for this night of self-evaluation to recognize not only what has not been accomplished, but also what shouldn't be accomplished. Women all too often overload their schedule and their ambition with tasks that are deceivingly important, yet the necessity of the task can be reassigned, or do I dare say, ditched.

We feel the need to make the perfect dinner that is Pinterest worthy. I mean, who makes just “spaghetti” anymore?

We feel the need to have the most presentable house - from the tulips at the front door to the family portrait over the mantle. Everyone is measuring your crepe myrtles to make sure you trimmed them on the right date for proper growth, right?

We feel the need to have our child actively involved every season in some extracurricular. What do you mean you take Winter off? There is basketball to be played or travel volleyball or crap, now there is indoor softball? Yes. That’s right. Indoor. In a rodeo arena, at that.

We feel the need to write the perfect posts on each social media vehicle and don’t forget the perfect filter. I do admit I retake my picture more often than not, but that is because I just don’t take a good picture. Meaning, my eyes are closed or I am looking with the angle where I have all 7 of my chins visible.

We feel the need to have the perfect car that is appropriate for our stage in the journey. You mean to tell me that you have a family of five and do not have a 3rd row SUV or a mini-van? What are you thinking? Fuel economy? Yeah, right!

We feel the need to plan the most memorable vacations. Since when have you rested on a vacation? Who does that?

We feel the need to supply our family with all the latest gadgets and gizmos. No, my 8 year old doesn’t have a phone yet. I’m not that crazy. But they can text “grandma” from their iPod, tablet, or simply call her from any room in the house by yelling some woman’s name - “ALEXA, CALL MEEMAW.” And bicycles? Wow, what are those? Not when you can hoverboard to your neighbor’s house.

We feel the need to have the most rigorous workout routine. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night in a month, but gosh I am getting that burn at 5:00am Camp Gladiator. Can’t you tell? Just don’t look at the 4 inches of concealer over the bags under my eyes.

We feel the need to trend with the latest health craze. Kale chips! That is all I will say.

We feel the need to be knowledgable of the community and the most influential contributors. Did you know that the Wilson family is buying a lake house? We all know where the teenagers will be this summer!

We feel the need to have an eccentric craft or side hustle. For the love of all humanity, we are so committed to creative writing that we are paying people to teach us how to write letters in pretty formats so we can save money and not have to buy tags at Christmas. We do realize the money we spent on the online program to teach us calligraphy costs more than the Christmas tags at Walmart, right?

We feel the need to know all the latest media moguls. You mean you can’t tell me the cast list for Stranger Things? Of course it isn’t just Winona Ryder!!!

And then…we go to church. Whew.

We feel the need to be able to state we have completed the works of a trending author and their study…that is until you are on Day 4 of a Beth Moore study and you secretly slide that study under your mattress praying for osmosis because who has time for this lesson? Did you see all the other things I am juggling.

And there it is. We are so busy that we can’t breathe, rest, grow, and love.

This is why so many people in the present day are hitting a wall or actually collapsing more quickly and more dangerously than any generation before. There are times where I am very aware that I would have died if I had been born into life 200 years ago. How many modern conveniences would I be without? Friends, I am not talking about technology. I am talking about packaged butter. I am talking about properly altered clothing. I am talking about an automobile. But at the same time, the women that were committed to life 200 years ago were not as engrossed in a life of comparison because their neighbor was not VISIBLE. Their time was committed to living their best life with what God had given them and a life of gratefulness for the ability to rise and raise a hallelujah once more. If they could read, they did read their scripture. If they could write, they would make sure to reach out to loved ones near and far with an actual quill and paper. If they could bake, their kitchen was always full of the smells of freshness. If they could sew, their children were covered and prepared for the day. If they could sing, their day was full of song that literally came from the bottom of their heart, not a device that played someone else’s worship anthem.

They knew their purpose and did not seek to make it mold into someone else’s box. Many of them remained uninformed about things that were not pertinent to them. Truthfully, many women did not even know who the President was, much less the first lady or what her China pattern was. They saw their neighbors at church on Sunday and maybe as they crossed paths on their journey to town for more staples. There was not time to compare the fabric swatches or to ask about how many hair pins they used that morning to create the necessary updo they were wearing to endure the tasks of the day.

And here we are. Exhausted. Easily bored. Consumed with debt. Ashamed of what we haven’t accomplished comparatively. Discouraged by voices that we may or may not even know.

The women that God has created over the history of time has not ceased to have distinguishable purpose. The women that God has created over the history of time are each uniquely made. The women from yesterday matter and the women of tomorrow matter. Yet the woman you are right now is what matters the most, for she is influencing and shaping not only who you will become, but who those falling under your influence shall become. It is time to identify her purpose. It is time to set her apart as her very own creation. It is time to rescue her from her floating for survival. It is time to teach her to not just swim, but to take flight.


Did you attend the Night of Purpose? If not, did you begin January 1 with a goal for the year? A list of goals for the year? A dream for your future? And how are you on that goal/dream now? Are you progressing to accomplishment or coasting in neutral praying that something will happen to you to springboard your momentum?

That goal/list/dream was birthed in you for a purpose. However, the absence of action to pursue the purpose is by choice and not by chance. The accomplishments come through effort, not happenstance. What changes have you made since that night of re-centering? What exercises have you put into place to make steps in the direction you desire? What boundaries have you established AND respected to safeguard your purpose?

We are not here by accident. We are here for such a time as this. Yet, purpose is imperative or we shall end this life reflecting on what might have been instead of what extraordinary adventure we encountered.

Let’s review and revisit this purpose while we sit here under the protection of quarantine. I am ready. How about you?

Truth and Grace

Truth and Grace. Grace and Truth. No matter the order, the balance of both are necessary. As I have journeyed through my life and the adventures that I have been allowed, I have grown in both of these capacities in both triumphant victories and painful loss. However, I am also learning that pain must precede growth and without pain, there is no advancement for me or for the kingdom.

I remember waking in the middle of the night when I was going through pre-teens with throbbing pains in my legs and sometimes arms. I would be unable to get comfortable and would toss and turn. If only I enjoyed reading then like I do now. I would have escaped into another world and lulled myself back to sleep with the comforts that come from Narnia or the Secret Garden. Regardless, those pains were just a part of maturing in my physical development. My mama called them “growing pains.” I am now a whopping 5’4” and would be no where near this stretch if my body had not extended itself beyond the temporary boundaries at given times. The pain was momentary in the grand scheme, but necessary for the development of my finished product that God was shaping.

I remember learning of a rumor that had spread about me in high school. Now the person I was in high school loved Jesus, but she was also confrontational and bolder. She wasn’t married to a pastor; therefore, the ability to be outspoken and to call it like I see it was not out of the question. I actually left class and went and found the source of my rumor and demanded they correct the false statement immediately. I knew the truth and wanted it to be clear to all who had heard otherwise. There was no room for grace to be extended to my slanderer as I had no care in the world for their justification.

I remember learning of a friend who had hurt me by a decision they had made that affected my entire family. I remember these events vividly in life, don’t you. Yet, when this event happened, I was softened far more than other members of my family. I was not mad, simply sad for my friend. I was sad for the journey for which they were now having to embark. I was sad for those who were unable to see my friend through the same goggles. I was sad that our friendship might never be the same and I didn’t really have control. But I forgave this friend almost immediately. It was so different than how I felt in high school. There was not an immediate need to confront and force the rectification of the matter. I waited and prayed patiently as events unfolded. I extended grace.

I remember the day I realized that grace has been given to me in abundance by Christ and I am in no way worthy of this gift. Yet, day in and day out, I am called to recognize the gift and fulfill my purpose of extending the message of this gift to all who are able to listen. He has given me a story to tell and He is still writing. The new decade has all of us in a reflective and forecasting state. We want to dream and plan and build on what has already occurred. We want to improve and grow in monetary ways, in healthy living, in wisdom and favor with God and man. In our improvement and growth, there must also be discomfort. Truth hurts.

I remember those growing pains. I am now old enough to know that the pains I have in my physical body are no longer growing pains, but rather growing old pains. I am also now old enough to know that my growing pains in truth and grace are continuous. Growing pains in truth and grace are rewarding. Growing pains in truth and grace are peaceful. It is the exhaustion when you collapse on the bed after a night of mentoring teenagers at a Disciple Now. It is the disappointment that you cannot go on vacation with your friend because you have already budgeted to go on a trip with your church. It is the frustration when your coworker gets the promotion when you were doing everything right. Grace comes in and makes your sleep blissful. Grace steps in and awakens your soul to the mission field. Grace steps in and shows you the job you were called to do, not the other side of the fence you are comparing yourself to.
I remember the day I realized that growing in the truth of Jesus is the most rewarding and the grace He extends to me makes life so much less painful. For in his truth, I live a life that is more rewarding and peaceful than I could ever experience out of His truth. Recently, I have stepped out of the shadow of burden bearing and into the truth of accountability and trust. The release of that burden as freeing as the release of chains. I am aware of pain still to left to be endured. Yet, I am ready for He is full of grace. High school me wants to leave class and boldly go tell the story. Older me says be patient and allow Him to tell the story. May my growing pains bring Him all the glory and honor.