Monday, August 03, 2015


Restlessness has been a battle I have had for YEARS now. I sleep, but apparently I do not rest. And I can add HOURS to my sleep and still yawn all day long. There have been many different approaches I have taken to this problem. Perhaps my balance of hours was off. So try going to be earlier. Yeah, didn’t really help. Perhaps I am not engaging in true REM sleep. So let’s try all the natural remedies and medical remedies. I tried sleep medication first. Let me pause and tell ya, friend, that was one hilarious week of experimentation. I slept, but I also was a hallucinogenic nightmare for my husband. The night I kept telling him there were people under the bed with scissors planning to kill us was probably the last night I attempted to take that happy medicine. He didn’t sleep at all that night. It wasn’t because he was afraid of the scissor killers. He was afraid of me.

So some other remedies were tried. Herbal tea, which my friend affectionately called “sleepy time tea” was added to my evening routine. It did help me fall asleep, but I still woke exhausted. Cut down caffeine intake. People, for like 4 years of my life, I stopped by the local Exxon and bought a 32 oz Diet Coke every day to get me through the day. That is a lot of sugar and caffeine, but my bargainista friends would understand. It was only $.68!!! How could I afford not to? Regardless, I have not been engaging in the Diet Coke practice for about 8 years. I actually drink no coffee during the summer and drink about 3 liters, that’s right - LITERS, of water a day. I run 2-3 miles a day 4-6 days a week.

So what now? I want to do the non-electronic/tv thing and just read myself to sleep like my kids, but there is a hinderance in that plan that you will just have to figure out yourself. Let’s just say I’m not the only one attempting to fall asleep in the same room. I toss and turn all night. My mind doesn’t shut down. I’m too young for this. Don’t you dare say otherwise.
Just recently, I read an article posted by one of my well respected bloggers discussing how our mindset is not exactly how we think it is. This was perplexing for my little brain. Let me preface my little brain set up before I expound on her revelation. I’m a worrier/planner/overplanner/regretter/overcommitted wife/mom/friend/teacher/daughter/sister/daughter-in-law/sister-in-law/niece/aunt/granddaughter/writer/event organizer/woman. I once had a beautiful lady at a previous church give me a small, but prominent cast iron skillet. It hangs on the wall in my kitchen to this day to remind me to take some irons out of the fire. So my prayers to God for a large portion of the past few months of exhaustion have been that the Lord would help me accomplish all of these tasks and to give me energy to do them with excellence.

I spend time wondering how I could do things better. I spend time analyzing and rethinking decisions. I spend time praying over little things that most people can just hand to God and walk away. I have regrets and absence of forgiveness of SELF. Is this you? Is your plate full because you are trying to do something/everything perfect? I bet you are expecting her post to be a great challenge to drop some stuff and resolve to just be confident in the things you do well. Nope. I told you, it changed me.

She explained how we spend a great deal of our time planning and overplaying and because our mind is a constant running to do list, part of that list is because we have not forgiven ourself for some failure that has caused us to add to the list. WHAT? As I chewed on that, I chewed until my teeth hurt. This is so true. You see, many of the choices we make in our lives are reflections of a desire to be good at something. A desire to be a success. A desire to be recognized. A desire to be accepted. The first person that we must be accepted by in order to begin feeling fulfilled is Christ. But here’s the actual kicker, especially if you are a follower of Christ and already knew that previous sentence as truth. The second person that we must be accepted by in order to begin to feel like a success is ourself. Until you forgive yourself and accept that you are a fallible and sinful created being that is loved regardless, you cannot REST. I am restless because I am not satisfied. I am restless because I haven’t forgiven myself for past failures that my God HAS NOT ONLY FORGIVEN ME FOR, HE HAS FORGOTTEN. I am restless because I am planning perfection instead of simply letting His plan of perfection unfold. I am restless because I am fearful I will miss hearing His still small voice, when all I need to do is just do what I am called to do as the Bible instructs me as a wife/mom/friend/teacher…and I will hear Him so clearly.

It’s OK to not be OK. Through Him, I will be.