Friday, April 10, 2015


Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Every night I pray that I find rest so that I can awaken the next morning refreshed and ready to attack the day with the same vigor and intensity that I did just a few years before. Every night, I pray the Lord will allow me to rest my mind of the running to-do lists that robs me of true REM sleep. Every night, I try different methods of sleep encouraging processes that are meant to allow me genuine rest. It works, 1/10 times. So yep, I’m pretty tired. I’m a zombie 6/7 days a week. The great energy that sprung me from the bed has gone to the wind.
Am I old? I refuse to believe it! Am I doing too much? Maybe, but no more than I have done ALL MY LIFE. Am I lost? Yes. That is what I feel mostly. Lost in my priorities. Lost in my extensive to-do list. Lost in my second guessing. Lost in my responsibilities and obligations. Lost in my regrets. Lost in my what-ifs. Lost in my desires. Lost in my dreams. Lost in my forgetfulness. Lost in my fears. Lost.

If I were to even begin a book, which I hope to do someday soon, I believe I would have to start here. Where is ground zero for you? I don’t fit the mold of a person who has reached the pit of despair. People who are in a state of confusion tend to have met any of the following criteria. A transition in life in age or a transition from a relationship or a transition from career or a transition due to loss or addition to their life. None of these align with me 100%.

True, I have recently moved, but it was a change of complete peace as the Lord confirmed this move OVER and OVER AGAIN. I have recently established new relationships, but at the same time there are plenty of former relationships well-established. I have changed jobs, but not careers, and am working in one of the best environments I have ever experienced. I have even contemplated numerous times as to whether or not it was time for me to entertain the wonder of mid-life crisis early (yes, early). It happens. But, I’m not there.

God is definitely listening to me. I don’t doubt that. But that wonderful word “patience” is something that I struggle with. Like fast food and microwaves, I like the instant answer. God knows this and finds delight in teaching me that my time is not my own. So I have been in a struggle deciphering where He really wants me to apply my time and energy at this place in my life. I know He wants me to do everything I do for His glory and honor. I know that I am to use my life to bring others to an awareness and possibly a relationship with Him. I know that I am to speak with kindness and speak with joy and to speak with mercy. But how? When? Where?

Then I even begin the self-doubt game in which Satan has such great joy. I can’t do that! I’m not aware of the appropriate outlets. I am not connected with the appropriate connections. I am not blessed with the appropriate time. Satan whispers doubts into my mind in order to rob me of being effective for God. I hate that I let him affect me at all. Here is how it plays out in my mind.
I get an idea, then I spend months trying to decide if the idea is my idea or inspired from God. Here we are back to the robbing of sleep. Do you do that?

Yesterday, I had the blessing to read through a devotion written by Sharon Jaynes. She elaborated on a list of identities we can claim through Christ. I believe that God is many things to us. I believe God is everything to us, but sometimes to expand on exactly what everything is makes all the difference. One of the identities that she reminded me of was that I am valuable to God. The same God that provides proper nourishment to the insanely annoying barn swallow is the same God that provides for my needs. And because I matter to God, He is in the midst of my despair. He will provide me the answer that I need, when it is time. His time. In the “meantime”, I can find peace in knowing that I am so valuable to him that He is working to make all things good as I am working to serve and follow him.

My job – do what I do now with all my energy and gusto for the glory of God. My job – maintain communication with my Heavenly Father about my concerns and my petitions. My job – recognizing that communication goes both ways and that He is speaking to me as well, so stop and LISTEN. My job - TRUST HIM and allow my faith to overcome my fear. My job – love others as He does as He allows me opportunities to cross paths with them. My job – wait patiently AND go bravely when he does call. More on that bravery thing later.

Know that you are valuable and He is listening. Ask him to show you he is listening. He will. I promise.